Fantasy Writers Unite

Why My Pokemon Career Ended

2012-01-23T15:39:00.001-08:00

Thievery is a Gentleman's Game

2012-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

I recently finished a novel with my friend Andrew (Yes! It's the same guy who helps me out of those pesky wells I keep falling into). People say it's quite an accomplishment, but after your fifth finished novel you stop really thinking it's that great and start thinking that actual publication is the big accomplishment. Anyways, with this new novel I was able to utilize several stories from various friends and family for the book.

This got me thinking.

Everyday people are going around with all of these unused stories from their own lives. Stories that are just ripe for the picking.

I say it's about time that someone went around picking up these unused bits of novelty and put them to good use. What's funnier than something hilarious that actually happened to someone else, or at least something that you could assume was possible? Prime example: a straight guy's dating profile which leads to IMs from gay men. A true story which made its way into the book.

Clearly though, since A. J. Raffles and I believe that thievery is a gentleman's game, you must ask and get permission before using a friend or family member's personal story. While it is true that you can have the traditional disclaimer "Any resemblance to real people is mere coincidence..." at the beginning of your novel, you don't want to ruin a friendship for the chance at an interesting plot point or funny side story.

Year of the Unicorn (January)

2012-01-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

So I keep hearing that 2012 is the year of the dragon, and I wondered why can't it be the year of the Unicorn? If nothing else, the year of the Unicorn will prove to be less scary than the year of the Dragon. Don't believe me, consider the new year of the Dragon stamp:

According to this yahoo article, the Dragon stamp scared at least one person "to death" (okay, so she blogged about that deadly fear, so maybe she was exaggerating). My idea of a unicorn stamp probably wouldn't scare anyone:

Then again, unicorns are the most ruthless creatures in the supernatural realm. But perhaps that is something we can learn from the unicorn in this, the Jenny declared Year of the Unicorn. Frankly, there's a lot we can learn from unicorns and each month we'll dedicate one post to how to honor and learn from the unicorn this year.

Gabby & Chewie Comic Strip #5

2011-12-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

With the holidays here, it's been kind of hard to put anything together for the blog. Luckily, I was able to scrounge up an old Gabby and Chewie comic to share.

Chewie loves rolling around on the stairs:

Especially when I'm trying to walk down the stairs.

She has no fear of being stepped on and yet that is what I fear daily:

I'm sure, one day, I will step on her and slide down the stairs with her underfoot:

Leaving us both in a bloody and dead mess:

Whut Up Wit Dat?

2011-12-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

I was in the store the other day and was astonished by this new book:

Apparently the only thing that Crichton believes in less than global warming is death.

So in response to this book, I've written and published a companion book:

Enjoy!

I Was a Weird Kid

2011-11-19T17:56:00.001-08:00

Surprised, are you? Neither am I. I mean "weird" is probably relative, but I think there were probably only a handful of kids growing up in the 90s and 00s (unless we're talking 1890s) who thought it would be cool to wear spurs to school. I never did wear spurs, so I guess I was a reluctant weirdo, but I still thought it would be awesome to hear the ching - ching - ching of the spur as I walked the halls.

I also realized though, that I would probably accidentally slice my own shin with the spur and then bleed and cry all over the place.

So along with wishing I was a cowboy,

my overactive imagination also resulted in (and still does to this day) worst case scenario fears. If that didn't make me a really weird kid, then I don't know what make kids really weird. Seriously.

As a kid I also wore a lot of flannel.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Ryj

Okay, so it was "in fashion" at the time, but I probably should not have worn it every day. I just really liked flannel, and once pj pants became "fashionable" in school I could match my flannel shirts with my flannel pj pants. I don't think schools should have ever let kids wear pj pants, but it definitely made my school days more comfortable!

Either way, wearing a flannel "suit" (essentially) probably made me look like quite the lumberjack.

Eventually, all the flannel in my wardrobe made its way to the Goodwill store and I lived free of flannel dreams and spur nightmares. That doesn't mean that after all these years I don't still wish I was a cowboy and a few flannel shirts haven't made it back into my closet.

I guess some weirdness just can't be escaped. Then again, wanting to be a cowboy and looking like a lumberjack is probably only the beginning of my weirdness...

Dialogue Between Books

2011-11-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

I read something really interesting lately that suggested that all books written, all books being written and all books that will be written in the future are in dialogue with one another. I think this is very true. When I write my own novels I see how stories I've read before help craft my own stories. I see how I respond to characters I've read about either positively or negatively with my own characters. I see myself combat similar scenarios and find new outcomes. I mean, where would literature be now without the classics to learn from and to build off of? And where will books be in the future without the work people are coming up with today?

Consider the books you've read and see if there is a bit of a "call and response" there. And consider the stuff you're writing, what are you saying about what's come before and what are you saying to what will come in the future?

200!

2011-10-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I've made it to 200 posts. I wanted to do a photo blog, but instead I settled for a comic. It's actually 2 for the price of one (since one only makes sense with the other and since the second is more applicable than the first). Enjoy, and thanks for reading!

Trendsetter Pt. 1:

Trendsetter Pt. 2 OR How No One Will Confuse Me For Maurice Ravel :

Oh, Poe, how I hate thee. You and your teletubbie alter ego...

A Good Museum Is Hard To Find Pt. 2

2011-10-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

On September 24th, the Smithsonian hosted an event, country wide, that would allow for free admission to any participating museum.

While this was an exciting opportunity, the problem of finding a good museum came up again. I started with a search of nearby participating museums, but eventually had to search in a larger radius from my home. Even though it would be a three hour ride, the South Carolina State Museum looked like the obvious choice. Surprise, surprise.

With four floors, thousands of artifacts and multiple exhibits, this museum was just begging for visitors.

The first floor we started on delved into the history of South Carolina, with a dated but interesting and unbiased video to begin the tour. It was a very refreshing and informative take on the history of the South unlike the stupid movie at the Savannah history museum. After the video, you tour the halls in chronological order, exploring South Carolina's vast history through colonization, wars and societal changes. The next floors were dedicated to science and technology, natural history, and art.

Some highlights:

They had an exhibit on dueling. Who isn't excited by that? Not only were there dueling pistols but there also were dueling rule books (like books about the rules for dueling). The only thing missing was a guy standing at the exhibit who would remove his glove and smack you with it.

I challenge you to break the glass and take the historic pistols so we can have a duel!
I don't want to break the glass, the alarm will sound.
I don't want to either, I guess we should move along and duel some other day.

There also was a replica Revolutionary War gun that you could hold. It was chained to the wall so I couldn't flee with it, but that doesn't mean I didn't try:

Why yes, I am wearing my I heart History shirt from the Henry Ford Museum.
Thank you for noticing. ;)

And last but not least, there was a giant tire. Unfortunately I got lost within its rubbery depths for about a half an hour, and then finally came back up for air just in time to go explore more of this massive museum.

I wonder if I'll remember my life beyond this rubbery prison...

The entire museum is housed in what it calls its "largest artifact", the former Columbia Mill, this massive museum left me with little to complain about. Although I do have at least one complaint. Since the museum is housed in the Columbia Mill, the history of the Mill is explored, and while the exhibit on milling has photographs of children, there is nothing about child labor discussed in the exhibit. It kind of felt like how Savannah avoided discussing slavery at their museum. It's probably a general oversight since SCSM didn't seem to be avoiding anything when relaying history but I was surprised to see it left out. I guess I'm always on the lookout for things that I think people want to avoid when relaying history, and I'm sure that there are other people who have been through SCSM and found things they thought were missing too.

Unfortunately we were unable, during out visit, to also see the South Carolina Confederate Relic Room which is attached to the museum. Hopefully we'll get a chance to see it next time.

A Good Museum Is Hard To Find Pt. 1

2011-10-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

So after visiting Savannah and being terribly disappointed in the Savannah History Museum, I wasn't sure where to go to find a good museum. Technically, I've been to Andersonville, and I think that's a good museum, but I wanted to find one closer and one I hadn't been to yet.

Upon a unplanned jaunt to South Carolina, our exit on the highway boasted of also being the exit for people who were interested in the John C. Calhoun house. Why yes and thank you (I said to myself and the sign I guess).

(Picture of a painting of John C. Calhoun)

So in the lovely little town of Anderson, SC (where we got off the highway), we were first treated by viewing the historic Calhoun lofts:

I wasn't aware that Calhoun owned, lived in or operated any lofts while he was alive, but they looked pretty fancy from the outside, and anything that says historic probably means it (because who would claim that if it weren't true?) Okay, so maybe the lofts actually used to be a hotel in the 1920s so they can be considered historic, but somehow I don't think they have any link to Calhoun (although I could be wrong).

Anyways, after our business was complete in Anderson, we made our way over the Clemson, SC. Apparently Clemson is a city built around a university, or maybe it's a university built inside of a city. Either way, Clemson is home to Calhoun's home (if that makes sense). So his house is the center of campus but unfortunately he had a son-in-law who started the college and now the place is much more well known for his son-in-law than it is for him. When we went through the walk through of the house they didn't share a whole lot about Calhoun as I expected, but that's okay, I probably know more about him than I'd care to admit anyways.

(Fort Hill: Calhoun's and later Clemson's Home)

That brings me to my final point, so why seek out Calhoun's humble abode? Contrary to popular opinion, while Calhoun was a crazy mo-fo, I'm not really anti-Calhoun. Frankly, the enemy of my enemy should, in theory, be my friend, and since Calhoun and Jackson were enemies, Calhoun and I should be friends, but Calhoun had a lot of enemies, so it would be hard to say who I should be friends with or who my enemies are. Either way, history is wonderful to explore and historic homes always enchant me, so I was down with seeing Calhoun's digs even though I might not have agreed with all of his political and personal beliefs.

So this venture into South Carolina proved eventful and when it came time once again to search out a good museum, to South Carolina I went a callin'.

What Can Happen In A Month?

2011-10-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Absolutely nothing.

It's true, I spent a month away, for no good reason other than it was hard coming up with things to write about and then as the time passed I felt even more awkward about coming back. It's like that friend you were supposed to call but then you wait too long and then you feel like a jerk and think maybe they're mad, maybe they don't want to talk anymore, how are you going to explain why it took you so long? And then you just keep sitting on it, knowing you're supposed to call but feeling worse and worse about not doing it and anxious about the conversation that will happen if you do call. And so you don't call and then years pass, lifetimes pass and then one day you're walking around the supermarket and you see them and they're all like: "Weren't you supposed to call me?" and you're all like: "Who are you? I'm 70 and I have dementia!" And then you try to run away as fast as possible with your bum knees and walker decked out with yellow tennis balls.

Well, my blog caught my elderly self at the supermarket, and I was too slow to run away so here I am, blogging again. Not that I would ever leave for that long, but it's hard showing up when you feel like you have nothing to talk about. So back to the title of this post, What Can Happen In A Month? Pretty much not a whole lot (if you're me). Got a few job interviews, got an awful, awful cold, had a couple of birthday celebrations (yes my birthday was in September - sorry you missed it ;p) and then did a whole lot of nothing. Well not nothing, I'm in school, job hunting, having visitors and holding down the fort but it feels like nothing because it's just the same old, same old.

I still don't think I've got a whole lot to share here, but the blog keeps haunting my dreams (and my supermarket visits) so I figured I had to come back. Even if we haven't chatted in a while, once I finally break the cycle of silence it's easier to get back to where things were and to see things into something better.

Gabby & Chewie Comic Strip #4

2011-09-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

I know I should post something other than a comic, but I can't help myself. There's a lot of comics waiting to be posted and I'm not up for thinking up something complex right now so here goes.

People wonder why I get so weird about the cats being in the bathroom so I've created this comic to demonstrate.

Even when I do my best to shut them out, given the tiniest opportunity, Gabby will rush in at top speed just to be in the inner sanctum which is a bathroom.

At times, the only way to get her out is to use the toilet plunger to poke her enough that she comes out from hiding behind the toilet.

Speaking of toilets, nothing says this is a fun time than jumping in the toilet and having the lid shut and break your tiny cat neck (I truly feared this would happen to my cats for many years).

But if not for her safety, then for the safety of my belongings which sit on the counter and appear to her to be toys or "sink candy" (items to be knocked down the drain never to be seen again).

And speaking of candy, what happens when she breaks into all the medicine and eats it thinking it's candy? The last thing I want is to wake up in the middle of the night and trip over a dead cat on the way to the toilet.

So no cats in the bathroom for as long as I can manage it, which will hopefully be forever as I don't want their tiny deaths on my hands.

Everyone's Lonely Sometime

2011-08-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

More Q and A!

2011-08-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

I get lots of questions from readers and on occasion I like to share the answers to those questions. Here are a few of the more recent ones:

Let’s say one day you decide to go swimming in the ocean. A hungry shark is coming your way, an angry grizzly bear is on the shore and a gigantic pterodactyl is flying above you. What do you do?

What I would do is entice the pterodactyl to fly low enough that I could catch it and toss it to the shark which was diving in mid air towards me. Then I would collect the pterodactyl’s severed head and swim to shore and use the bird’s beak as a weapon against the grizzly. Once the bear is sufficiently blinded through a series of stabbing and slicing with the sharp beak I would then throw his body to the shark and claim the land as my own. Isn’t that what everyone would do?

I tend to enjoy the books you mention on your blog. What are you currently reading?

Well, not to disappoint, but right now I’m nerding it out with the book called “The Impending Crisis: America Before the Civil War 1848-1861” by David M. Potter. Okay, so the book is for school but I’m enjoying it way too much for any regular person. If you really like learning about the Civil War and haven’t read this book, it’s a pretty interesting read as it explains a lot of the aspects that led to war. Other than that, I can recommend some good books I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve really enjoyed the Lee and Taro series by Moira J. Moore. It’s a very good series of books about a fantastical world with a strong female and an equally strong male lead character. I also really enjoy the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs. It’s an urban fantasy series with werewolves and vamps but it has an amazing lead female and the stories are very engaging. I know there are more books out there that I like but I’ll have to think about it and get back to you with more titles.

You’ve been drawing a lot of comics lately, what’s up with that?

It all started when I had a joke I wanted to tell but it would be better in images than in words. I guess technically I started drawing a long time ago, and I’ve made comics before, but the comics for this blog are new and stem from the first one that I felt was a joke that was better “seen” than “heard” – if that makes sense. I guess after the first one got some good responses I started thinking of more and more ideas that were better as comics. I don’t think the blog will ever be just posts or just comics but a nice blend of the two.

Roach Rage

2011-08-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHY EVERYONE NEEDS HEALTHCARE!

Georgia Update

2011-08-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've stolen a camera (okay, borrowed and then returned it) so I could post some decent pictures for everyone. Things are going okay here. The temperature doesn't bother me and I've steadily been unpacking and organizing my new place.

In case I forget where I am, the sewer systems is kind enough to remind me:

Here's a picture of the front of my place. Inside it's too messy to share at this point.

Here's Gabby enjoying the air conditioning:

Chewie has just finished her lunch, apparently it was delicious:

All in all, we're getting along as well as would be expected. More updates as more things happen (which is rare).

Novel Paralysis

2011-08-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard about writer's block. Some people say it doesn't exist, others say that it ruined their writing career. Either way, you know what I'm talking about when I say writer's block. It's like you've run into a wall when writing and can't easily move past it to continue writing.

For a long time I thought I had period writer's block, but recently I realized that my condition is worse than that, I've definitely come down with Novel Paralysis, to which there may not be a cure :( But I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight it, and maybe by sharing my condition others will learn from it and perhaps be able to protect themselves from this airborne virus.

I used to force myself to get one project done at a time. If I had a bought of writer's block I would take a break and then force myself back into writing. This behavior wasn't helping my cause, as I was finding myself going months of the year with little to no writing. So then I thought, when I fizzle on one project why not work on the next until I feel compelled to return to the first one? Great idea, right? Wrong. Now I have five unfinished novels and little to compel me to finish them. So that's where my Novel Paralysis comes to play. My inability to finish a novel, to literally come to a completely immovable spot in my fiction, has now become a larger roadblock than simple writer's block used to be. But I haven't given up hope. Because I want to finish these novels, I'm going to keep working forward and find ways to compel myself to work on them.

One way to re-invest myself in my stories is to review old material. By reading from the beginning I can sometimes be excited about the characters again and continue their tales.

A second way, at least for me, is to revisit the soundtracks I made for each book. Yes, as I'm writing I find music that fits key scenes and I listen to it when I need to. By re-listening to these specific tracks I can sometimes get in the right frame of mind to see the story and to want to write it out.

A last way, that I've come up with, has to do with the characters more than anything else. By connecting with characters, I'm more invested in their outcome. I've been doing a lot of drawing lately and I realized that one way to jump back into a story is to sketch out characters. While my drawings are pretty awful, if a character can come closer to life with a visual representation then I'm more excited to write out their story. That being said, after sketching these pictures of my character Dorian from No Rest, I actually sat down and wrote four pages for this story which unfortunately I haven't wrote on for months.

(Dorian deals with a lot of guilt and I tried to show that here. I also show that she has a gun and we assume she knows how to use it. I know that her proportions are awkward. She should be short as malnutrition affects height, but I think this doesn't really look right. I also know the gun is horrible in its representation.)

(Here Dorian looks a little like a child. Okay, a lot like a child, but we can attribute that to my poor drawing skills. Proportions still seem off, but this is a good first attempt and later attempts will look better.)

Hopefully these tricks will help me finish this book because it wants to be finished! I know it is true because I can feel it in my bones...

The Truth About Doppelgangers

2011-08-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Being surprised by how many people were not aware of the existence of, nor information about doppelgangers, I decided it was my duty to inform the general public about these creatures.

Doppelgangers are exact twins of each person on earth. These twins historically are evil if we are good, and are good if we are evil. They look as our identical but are actually our opposite. Or at least that is what people claim when their doppelganger shows up and creates havoc. "I would never do such horrible things...my twin must be evil!"

The doppelganger should not be confused with the dopplegangster. This is your twin who existed during prohibition (see my doppelgangster below):

It is said that you can hear when your own doppelganger crosses your path. Similar to the Doppler effect, the sound of them passing gets louder as they approach and gentler as they leave. It also has the pitch and vibrato similar to Xena's warrior yell:

I have a friend named Andrew, who actually has a doppelganger named Schmandrew.

Unfortunately, Schmandrew is often nicer than Andrew and while Andrew holds that Schmandrew is the evil one, it's hard to believe that. Especially since Schmandrew gives me nice gifts:

And throws pretty cool parties. Although he does always forget to invite Andrew:

But since Schmandrew is so nice to people, he's also very popular and not always available when you need him:

And sometimes it's Andrew who shows up to get you out of the well. Andrew's also nice enough not to ask why I keep falling into wells and why this is the third time this week that he's had to help me out the same well:

Andrew has also been known to compliment my crazy hair, even though we all know it looks bad. But it still makes me smile:

So in conclusion, you might have a doppelganger and they might be nicer than you or smarter than you or just a better person than you in every facet possible, but only you are actually you (even if they are a better version of you) and as long as you stay a true friend, people will still be a friend to you (unless your doppelganger is available, then all bets are off - Sorry Andrew).

History and American Architecture. Pt 2

2011-07-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

So I recently read The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson and I must say it was a wonderful treat. It's part American history, part architectural history and part true crime novel. This book really is a piece of work (cliche, I know). I felt that Larson did a wonderful job weaving these three elements together and keeping the book interesting to the final page.

It's hard to say what I enjoyed best about the book, be it the tidbits of historic trivia tucked in or the moments where the author hints at historic events and you feel like you're in some sort of inside joke because you know to what he is referring.

I also really enjoyed learning new facts that I can use to annoy people with such as the original Ferris wheel was built in response to the creation of the Eiffel tower.

Overall, I thought this book was well written and a delightful read even with some of the gruesome content. I guess I might just be a big geek but I really felt like this was an awesome book for people that like American history and American architecture.

The Day the Music Died

2011-07-13T10:40:00.001-07:00

The other day I was walking past my dumpster and noticed an old piano. I went over and hit a few keys. It was in pretty bad shape (musically) but the design of the instrument was beautiful. The wood was ornately carved and the entire piano was probably worth saving. Unfortunately there are two things that make a piano a bad grab at the dumpster in Georgia. First is the daily rain, if it rains on a piano, the piano is probably a goner as mold will easily eat away at its insides. Second is roaches. They will eat anything, including the glue that keeps parts of the piano together. If the piano is outside too long it will be infested (especially sitting next to the dumpster where the roaches already live).

I love old stuff, well most old stuff. Looking at the design and structure of the piano, you can reach back and see history (I know I sound like a broken record when I talk about old things). And honestly, someone probably put a lot of positive energy into that piano when they crafted it (I can't see someone angrily carving piano legs, but I could be wrong). But in a moment of indecision, I hesitated and decided not to try to push that heavy piano back to my place to save it from the rain, the roaches and the dumpster crew.

I guess I thought I had more time, or at least I assumed I wouldn't worry about the poor piano. I know that the trash removal people do not take large objects next to the trash, so I figured I'd have enough time, as long as it didn't rain, to think about it and maybe save it after my sister got back into town (two people are better than one if you're trying to move large objects).

It's been three days without rain, but the piano didn't last 24 hours at the dumpster. The next morning I awoke to a banging noise. When I finally got outside to do my errands, I saw that there were three people at the dumpster smashing the piano to bits with a large hammer. I know it sounds dramatic, but this scene made me sick. Not only am I a staunch preservationist but I also think that musical instruments should be revered, not destroyed. I can't say if this is up there with how I feel about burning books, but it's probably pretty damn close.

So my emotional response to the destruction of the antique piano doesn't stop with this written rant. I've also taken pictures of the remains:

So instead of next to the dumpster it is now behind the dumpster in ruins. What a beautiful structure now destroyed. May it rest in peace.

History and American Architecture. Pt 1

2011-07-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've always been intrigued by historic structures. Not just buildings that have been declared historic markers, but most structures that have been around for hundreds of years, which more often than not are houses. I love old houses. Some people like vintage automobiles and can go to car shows and read car magazines and appreciate the design of these machines. For me, I can go driving around neighborhoods appreciating the design of old homes, being fascinated by the smallest details and wishing I had a camera to capture the beauty of the structure. Inside these old homes is equally interesting (unless extreme updates have taken place), old wooden floors, wood staircases, glass windows where the glass looks like it is slowly melting, door frames, doors themselves; all of these things, and more hold not only my attention, but so much history. Echoes of the past can be seen in the tiniest of details and in the grandest of design. I love looking at houses because I feel drawn back through all of the years that this house stood and especially to when it was built.

I probably should have become an architectural historian, but alas I did not.

Moving to Georgia has offered up the opportunity to view new historic homes and to get an appreciation for different styles of architecture. I recently theorized that a true American building was the classic red barn.

(Picture taken by Craig Hatfield)

Unfortunately, when I was searching for a good picture of a barn on wikimedia commons, the best one I could find is actually of a barn in Canada.

Anyways, as you travel across the US, the red barn doesn't really show up everywhere (I didn't happen to see any in Miami when I was there in the spring, but maybe they were hiding behind some palm trees). But it's common enough to feel universally "American". So my theory is kind of debunked but it is true that there are architectural designs that can be attributed to not only America but to specific regions of America. I was not formally trained in architecture but I think that what I'm saying is common knowledge - to some extent.

I don't want to go into some long drawn out "lecture" about architecture, but below you will find some American houses that show not only some of the unique features of American architecture (which does have roots in European architecture - if you catch the similarities) but also the beauty of the structures beyond classification.

(Codman House, Lincoln, Massachusetts. Owned by Historic New England (originally the Society for the Preservation of New England Antiquities) Posted by Daderot)

(Victorian home unrestored, Lebanon, Illinois, 2006. Robert Lawton)

(Victorian home in the Diamond District of Lynn, Massachusetts. Picture by fletcher6)

(Dr. Henry Wheeler House, Grand Forks, ND. A brick Gothic-Italianate Victorian home listed on the National Register of Historic Places on January 16, 1986. Photographed by Glorioussandwich)

(Imbrie Farmhouse: Hillsboro, Oregon. Photographed by Aboutmovies)

(Sheldon Boright House, built by wealthy entrepreneur. Has been a private residence, a nursing home and is now a B&B. This stately balloon-framed mansion exhibits a typical multi-gabled, asymmetrical design, complete with ornate exterior woodwork, a wrap-around porch and porte-cochere, projecting bays, stained glass window sashes, and variegated wall and roof sheathing materials, typical of the Queen Anne style. Richford, Vermont. Photographed by Mfwills)

(Hageman Farm; Somerset, New Jersey. Original uploader was Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ) at en.wikipedia)

(The stately Southern mansion in Washington, Georgia known as the Campbell-Jordan House is actually a duplex. Originally a Federal-style home in 1787, by 1841 it underwent a Greek revival-style makeover with the addition of the massive columns. The home of U.S. Supreme Court Justice and C.S.A. Assistant Secretary of War, John Campbell, it was added to the National Register of Historic Places in 1971. Image provided by: TampAGS, for AGS Media)

(Carson Mansion, Eureka, California April 2005, Nikon D70, Photo by Cory Maylett)

This is just a glimpse of the variety of architecture used in American homes, and by no extent is it meant to show all types of architectural design. If I had millions of hours to spend, this would be a very long post with many pictures, but I had to cut myself off at some point. Anyways, hopefully some of these structures strike you as interesting or the next post is probably going to bore you as well. ;)

Writing Contest!

2011-07-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

I can't believe almost a month has passed since I was last on here. I'm a little behind on this post, but no harm no foul.

These past few weeks have given me a lot of time to think about this blog, and the things I really would like to do with it. With that in mind, I’d like to announce the first ever, Fantasy Writers Unite Flash Fiction Contest!

If you feel so inclined, please submit flash fiction stories (1,000 words or less) in any genre. A good rule is to not submit anything too graphic and nothing written with the explicit intent of insulting various genders, races, creeds, etc. I’m really not going to publish something terribly offensive. Don’t have any flash fiction to submit? No worries, you’ve got 2 months to get something written, edited and submitted.

The window for submissions is: July 1, 2011 – August 31^st, 2011.

I’m hoping to have all submissions read and final selections chosen by November 1^st, 2011 (since this is a one person outfit).

What happens to your submission? Well, depending on the number of entries and the caliber of entries - if your flash fiction stands out as unique, well written and interesting, then I am going to publish it in a small anthology. Those of you who are selected for publication will be awarded free copies of the anthology and you will have the option of having your story spotlighted on the blog. You also will still own the rights to your pieces and are free to have them published elsewhere at any time. I am planning on having the finished product available for purchase on this site to help keep this site going. If you are not comfortable with that, please do not submit anything to the contest. I just don't want people to be upset later when they see the anthology for sale but aren't getting a "cut".

I’m aiming for the anthology to be compiled, printed and available for purchase by January 2012 (if not sooner – I’ve never done this before so I’m not sure how long it will take).

Any questions can be directed to me and all submissions (including a short bio) should be electronic and sent to this email address that I made specifically for this contest: ddragonpress@gmail.com

Thank you, good luck and get to writing!

Changes

2011-06-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

I often feel like my life is quite stagnant. For the past couple of years, I've worked the same job, known the same people, and while I've moved a couple times (all locations within a small radius of each other) my life hasn't really changed. I haven't really changed. I did start school last year to get my Masters degree, and while that was different, it didn't really change my life. At least not in a big, wave making sort of way. Not a change large enough to notice. But now big changes are coming.

When I was growing up we moved a lot. I was born in the small town of Deckerville, MI, although my family lived in the smaller town of McGregor, MI. When my dad got into Michigan State University we moved to East Lansing. After he got his degree, we moved to Lansing. Then we moved at some point to Onondaga - but Eaton Rapids schools, then to Plainwell, then to Mason, then I was old enough to move out and I moved to East Lansing, then to Lansing proper, then to Haslett and then to Williamston. But even with all of that moving around, you never really get prepared for making a big move across several states.

So Thursday, I'm moving the majority of my things to Athens Georgia. 781 miles. Half a day of driving. Very far from the people I know, very far from where I've been. Thursday, I'll be dropping my stuff, then driving back, cleaning my current place, getting my cats, and driving to Athens again. Then the tedious unpacking and job search begins.

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, it's become apparent that as I box my life as I know it and make some big changes this blog is going to go unmanned until I get settled and have the opportunity to really dedicate the time to it that it deserves. Hopefully that doesn't put my kind readers into a deep depression that only multitudes of cat comics can heal. I don't anticipate a large break in my posts, but I wanted to let everyone know why I seem to be missing. Thank you for bearing with me in the meantime. ;)

The Truth about Narnia

2011-06-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

Narnia is a mystical land known to many, but experienced by few. To my surprise, I've found that cats have dedicated their lives to finding enterances to Narnia, hoping to meet Aslan and have many adventures. But all travels to Narnia are not wonderous, and all tales of Narnia do not speak of the majesty and magic of the land and its creatures.

There is a moderate sized hole in the back of her owner's closet, and Whiskers is convinced it will lead to Narnia...

While her owners are away, Whiskers ventures forth into the unknown...

To her amazement, delight, joy and surprise, this hole in the wall truly is an opening to Narnia!

She wanders past the lamp that will show her the way home and goes forth to adventure, mystery and amazement...

She makes new friends, they share tea, she finds out that most creatures in Narnia are actually British, she tries not to be nationalist...

Over the years she enjoys excitement and joy beyond her wildest expectations. She KNEW Narnia would be everything she dreamed it to be. She KNEW everything Lewis said was true...

But she did not realize that while children can stay in Narnia for many years, finding their way back to the lamp by chance and returning to their own world as children again, only moments passing in this world while decades passed in Narnia - cats lives are much shorter. And most cats that find their way to Narnia never return in time. Such was how the tale of Whiskers in Narnia ended.

Cats everywhere still search for Narnia, in closets and wells, in all the dark closed places they can creep, forgetting the tale of Whiskers and of her terrible feat. To die within the world of magic, is terrible indeed, to never return to those you love by Lewis' mislead. For while the author loved children and Christian creed, he hated cats with a vengance and looked on them as weeds. To be pulled from this Earth by false dreams of adventure, not knowing their lives would soon end there. These cats are victims to be kept safe, before it is too late. So close your doors, board up the walls; and never let your cats go to Narnia.

Wowza

2011-06-03T10:49:00.001-07:00

So it Friday. And it's my last day of work.

Not for the week.

For ever.
And ever.

I guess I haven't processed all of the emotions yet. I just feel like a jerk. Exactly like I did when I gave my notice 4 weeks ago. Exactly like I do whenever I let people down (or at least I believe I've let them down).

But the library will continue on without me, and I'll find new adventures and other things to love/hate.

After 7.5 (yes I have to include the .5) years, leaving is a big change. I don't know what I'll do with the free time between now and when I get a new job. I don't know how I'll deal without all the crazies (most of whom have magically made an appearance today of all days, or so it feels like).

It's always strange finding out how much you mean to people when you are leaving, not while you're still around. It makes me feel bad because I live my life assuming few notice me and few care, and I live detached from others for those reasons. So with people tearing up and saying their goodbyes, I feel like some sort of weirdo who isn't upset. At least not yet. I tend to wear some pretty heavy armor when I'm at work, or around others in general. When I'm by myself, I might start to feel the saddness, the loss and the fear of what next?

Lava Party!

2011-05-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

The games played by children usually afford good lessons for later in life. One such game deals with the dangers of lava:

The lava game teaches us to never allow our parents to do drugs, even though that meant we could ruin their furniture and they wouldn't be coherent enough to care.

Gabby & Chewie Comic Strip #3

2011-05-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Evolution of a Blog

2011-05-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the evolution of a blog recently.

Blogs I come across hold infinite mysteries between the newest and oldest posts - changing sometimes minimally, other times drastically, over time.
I know I had big plans for my blog when I first started it so many years ago. Since then, some of those elements have remained and some new ones have been created. For a while I was really frustrated that I wasn't keeping up with the original mission statement: "I hope to use this blog to promote the fantasy genre to readers and writers alike.:" but then I accepted that my blog was becoming its own unique entity, not bound by my original design.

Over four years and 170 posts later, my blog has evolved from the original concept and moved into an area that is equally interesting, if not more so. Just as I change the layout and background and elements of my blog, the content has changed over the years. I think I still hold some of the hopes and fears I began with but I'm also utilizing new concepts like comics and historical humor.

What really excites me (other than seeing where I've been and where I'm at) are the ideas I have for the blog for the future. I'm hoping to start utilizing videos and audio posts. I think these new elements will make my blog funnier and help me to explore different creative outlets. Who knows when I'll finally implement them though. I don't want to get ahead of myself as evolution is always a slow process. My guess? I'd say that these changes will take place in the next couple of billion years or so.

Can't Get No Breaks

2011-05-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

In this economic climate, many people (especially in Michigan) are looking for work. I was thinking about employment tests, and the questions they ask and I realized that for superheroes looking for work, these tests might be a great deterrent. While the "normal" individual won't agree with many of the statements on these tests that were created to locate people with personality disorders, superheroes might find some of these attributes to be true representations of their own lives and experiences.

Below is my comic showing unnamed and indistinguishable heroes and their follies in the employment market.

Just remember:

One person's superhero is another person's sociopath.

My Writing Tool Box

2011-05-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

I know that Stephen King talks about grammar and spelling as being in a writer's tool box, and I'm not saying they aren't there, but I just wanted to discuss the basic/actual/physical tools that I use when writing.

Notebooks:

I like to write everything down first, on paper, before committing it to the computer. I do sit down and work on the computer as well, but I feel like it's easier to get out the story by writing instead of typing (I'm not sure why). After things are written down, they have to be typed up anyways, so it's kind of redundant, but it allows me to have an initial edit as I'm cleaning up with writing from the notebook as I'm typing it onto the computer.

Pens:

While water will destroy ink on paper, ink won't fade like pencil. If you write a story in pencil prepare not to be able to read those pages 10 years later.

I also like to find the most frictionless pens I can, as I want to write fast. Cheap pens tend to write slower (you can feel the pen drag across the paper), although I have found nice pens at the dollar store before.

Gel pens are great. Felt pens are perfection, but the writing on the page can be thick and hard to read and felt pen ink is destroyed by water a lot easier than regular ink (in my experience) and these are very expensive.

These are also great for when you're supposed to be writing but you're doodling on the edges of your paper instead.

Music:

This is not a picture of my music, but I felt like it was applicable when discussing the wide range of music needed, at least for me, when writing.

I can write in complete silence, but I also like particular tunes to help set the mood for a scene (not in a gross way) or to help my imagination wander.

Netbook:

Last but not least, my netbook. I have a laptop but since the screen died, it has become essentially a desk top. To replace this computer, I had to find something a little more mobile, so I purchased a netbook.

Netbooks are not very good for many things the usual person wants to do with a computer such as viewing websites, downloading programs, doing anything that requires a screen that is larger than 5" by 8" (random guess); but it works for typing up documents.

My netbook (I actually own the same acer as pictured here), while aggravating at times, has become essential not just for my writing but also for my school work. It doesn't come with a disk drive, so you have to come into the 21st century and purchase a flash drive if you are going to use this with your writing and hope to transfer information to another computer. Or you can always email yourself documents, if you have Internet in your home (unlike me).

Not including my brain (which is pretty essential to writing), I think this is a complete list of the things I need and use in my own writing. Please feel free to share any tools that are unique to you and your writing in the comments area. :)

The Truth About Hippos

2011-05-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

At work I see a lot of children's books come through with adorable hippos as the main character. What lies are we feeding future generations?!?!? Hippos are the most dangerous and vicious creatures on earth. There is a reason you don't see a hippo in a petting zoo. While they may be drawn "cute", they are murderers in disguise.

Once the lies of cuteness wear away and the marble comas pass, the true beast rises.

Hippos are the villains of the wilderness, as all creatures fear this beast, so should humans. Especially since they love our chewy, chewy meat covered bones.

Next Blog

2011-05-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

I like to play a little game called "Next Blog" (or potentially something wittier that my future self will invent at some point after the posting of this blog entry).

In this game I open up my blog in IE or FireFox and at the top of the screen I click on the option "Next Blog". Pretty simple.

My understanding is that blogger takes some component, statistic, keyword or something from my blog and finds another blog that is in some way "like-minded". Back in the day this was pretty pathetic, as most of my clicks directed me towards blogs in other languages or with topics that had nothing to do with what I was blogging about (I was really confused about what I was getting and why), but there was always the rare chance that I might fall upon something awesome. That's how I found quite a few of the blogs I still check up on today. Now blogger is making a little more sense but on occasion I do land on something epically off-center.

A good game of "Next Blog" goes like this. 1st click directs me to an awesome writing blog. 2nd click (yes, you want to click this button again and again to see the random selections that arise) weird photo blog - not really my cup of tea, click again. 3rd click fashion blog. 4th click limerick blog - that's right, all posts are limericks, nothing else. 5th click kittens and crafts blog - Amazing! 6th click - poetry for creeps has been blocked so I start back at square one.

If, through a game of "Next Blog" I end up finding one blog to read then that's cool. If I spend 40 minutes playing this and come up short then that's fine as well. In the process of playing I get to see what other people are blogging about and what kind of layouts and designs work and don't work. Rarely do I find the same blogs twice, so each game is a new adventure.

Gabby & Chewie Comic Strip #2

2011-05-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

So my friend Andrew is trying to escape the library by applying to jobs elsewhere. Will he be successful? Who knows. But if he is, I've already got his replacement: Gabby!

Not only does Gabby already dress better than Andrew, but everyone loves her!

The only thing funnier than the jokes told at work is remembering them on the ride home.

There is one snag in the plan. Chewie will be home alone all day cooking and cleaning, and she'll be mad when we get back laughing and smiling as if we don't appreciate the work she does while we're away.

But it's okay because I know that extra cuddles always make Chewie feel better.

Writing Rant

2011-04-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

After a celebratory vacation (yes, my family uses vacations to celebrate life events like graduations and birthdays) and a magnum opus of a paper (okay 20 pages isn't that long, but it sure feels like a tome when you don't have the hours upon hours to dedicate to it that you should have), I'm finally falling back into a gentle writing mode. I've just got my characters through another near death experience and now they need to travel the rest of their journey to find out the shocking truths that await them.

As my "technically" fourth novel to date (the other three are complete but not publishable until strong revisions come their way) this book is surprising me with its chosen genre (who thought I'd write horror?) and its shocking twists that I didn't plan in advance (I can only outline so much, at some point the story develops its own unique aspects - whether or not I want it to). One thing that isn't surprising is how limited the characters feel. I need to work on making them more dynamic, but this is a flaw in all of my writing. The heroine is always tough and strict and strong - to a fault. Just as it's hard for me to be emotional in my interactions, it's hard for these women to be emotional as well, and I think it negatively affects the overall story.

But writing is a process, and with each new story (be it novel length or flash fiction), I work on character and plot and action and description and all that other jazz that goes into a story and each time my writing gets stronger, my stories get better and my characters become slightly more believable and relatable. Maybe by my 12th novel I'll be doing it well enough.

Then again, maybe this novel is done well enough and will be published. Just the possibility of that starts making me worry. Do I really want this to be my first published novel? Do I want to be listed as a horror author? No matter if it's this novel or another, once I do get published I'll always be worrying about if my book was written well enough, how people will judge me based on my writing/genre choice/character actions/awkward love scenes etc.

At least I'm not worried about the prospect of having no readers, only judgy readers ;p

The Ship Was Named Destiny...

2011-04-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

In the middle of April, my sisters and I went on a cruise. Below are pictures from our trip.

I was in charge of locating a vessel and got suckered into a really good deal with what ended up being a pirate ship. Luckily the pirates aboard were semi-retired and fans of the blog, so we got top notch treatment:

Our first stop was in Key West, Florida. While here, we visited the famous Hemingway house, which houses between 40 and 50 cats, many of which have an extra toe on their paw (polydactyl). Being intelligent creatures, as most cats are, they had learned - and shared with us - a rude hand gesture with this extra digit:

Before long, the Rooster Kings booted us off their island because the pirates threatened the innocent nature of their young with gambling, drinking and excessive potty language:

Next, we stopped in Cozumel, Mexico. This small island was a great port for the pirates who made a quick buck selling the vacationing passengers to a sweat shop. The most awkward part (besides being drenched in sweat) was that at least one passenger kept asking where all the "sweets" were:

Before they left the island, the pirates broke us out of the factory, stole our pathetic wages and dragged us back to the ship. They felt bad about what had transpired and gave us the chance to cool down in a nice pool of water:

The long trip back to the mainland was called a "Fun Day At Sea". Between the song and dance presentations of the pirates and the on-board reproduction of A Perfect Storm, we also were able to complete in a 'Prettiest Lady Contest". To no one's surprise, the manatee won:

As we came into dock we all thanked Poseidon for our adventure, and the crew requested that we come back again next year for another wild ride. I think I'll have to pass.

An Extraordinary Occassion

2011-04-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

As the sesquicentennial (150th year anniversary) of the Civil War rolls around, I’ve got a lot of people on my back asking me questions. Since I’m a time traveler, and I lived through the war and all its atrocities, people keep asking, “Jenny, why don’t you tell us your stories from the war?” I’m not sure that I fall into a different category than other veterans whom you NEVER question about war, but I guess people remember time traveler before veteran and probably writer first and foremost anyways.

I won’t share much; because the Civil War was graphic, horrific, traumatizing and terribly depressing (just thinking on it makes me glum). It’s kind of like reliving it each time you hear about it or see that damn Ken Burns series on PBS (Why do they haunt me? Haven’t I suffered enough?). And with the anniversary, it’s almost like living it again. Each day parallels to the past, as memories of the war echo like bad dreams from the previous night.

“If it was so horrible, why did you choose to spend time there while traveling?” Well, time travel is part about where a traveler wants to go and where we have to go. As a side note: any stories I tell you about time travel could easily be debunked by contradictory theories on how time and traveling time works. Consider if you will, if one person goes back in time and changes an event, then someone else can go back and someone else can go back and again and again and again like an infinite loop right? Or perhaps time works in a big ball of infinite possibilities so jumping back won’t affect this time “line” (the idea of line is counterintuitive) but establish a new reality. I’m not here to argue with the science behind traveling, but to tell you the policies for time travelers and my own experiences.

So time travelers (scholars and enforcers of history) get to sign up for specific assignments and are sometimes assigned missions when needed. It just so happened that a rouge group of Southern sympathizers decided to jump time and join the South in the hopes of changing history (not exactly what Dale thinks, but close). This typically isn’t allowed (although I have my inklings of when changes have gotten past security) especially on such a grand scale, so an elite force (myself included) were assigned the task of jumping back to the war and stopping these vagabonds.

At this point, I had already done two tours of the Civil War, so I figured it would be a quick and simple mission, find and stop the rogue agents. Unfortunately, this mission meant enduring the full extent of the war, fighting in over 100 engagements and losing a lot of people who over time you easily become close with.

War is hell. I told Sherman that, and then he went on and made the phrase famous. It’s true, all veterans know it, and all of those who died in battle or from subsequent disease knew it, and especially those who still haunt the death stained ground know this to be true. Why would anyone want to talk about it? Well, we talk about it to remember, to educate and to hopefully not recreate the horrors of war.

War doesn’t end when the last bullet flies; it leaves destruction in its wake that can be felt generations later. When I heard shots ringing out this morning at 4:30am, and I woke up in a cold sweat, I knew it wasn’t some hunting accident or drive by shooting, but the echoes of the past still calling out to me.

“Did you stop the vagabonds?” Well, I guess if you know history, you know the answer to that (although I did have an African American woman aged about 60 years, who had been a teacher for almost 30 years ask me recently who won the Civil War, so you never know).

“Was it worth it, even with all the nightmares?” Yes. I’d say my job protecting history is always worth it, no matter the cost.

“Would you go back again?” Unfortunately I’d have to say yes. Not just for duty, but also because each time you relive history you get to experience the good aspects along with the bad. Seeing the soldiers I knew alive and well again, even while knowing when and how they will die, makes the experience bittersweet (as all aspects of history and the human experience tend to be) but it doesn’t make it unbearable. Experiencing history first hand is the most amazing experience I can imagine, and no amount of nightmares after the fact would make me give that up. Yeah, the memories can be debilitating but more often than not, they feel like a distant dream or a strong imagination playing stories in my head.

Onward March

2011-04-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

So the month of March passed, and I only got about 6,000 words typed up. I wrote more than I expected and I'm stuck with two different endings in mind. Well, not endings, but more like horrific realizations, but I'm not sure which actually belongs in the story. I want to dedicate more time to exploring and writing the second half of this book, but school, vacations, and epic sicknesses keep interfering.

I also need to spend a significant amount of time chillin' with my scanner, since I've been scribbling comics down but can't get them online to share until they're scanned and cleand up.

Today, though, I'm going to go home after work and crawl into bed. I'm exhausted; whipped by my expectations and my responsibilites. Maybe tomorrow will afford the energy to propel myself forward.

A Slight Misunderstanding pt 1

2011-03-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how many common phrases are misunderstood and misused. I guess what really amazes me is how many phrases I don't know correctly and misuse as often as I possibly can. In the following comic we see Dale and Earl; Dale seems to misunderstand a common phrase, or does he?

How Far I've Come

2011-03-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

So it's March 21st, and I've typed up just over 6,000 words on my NaNoWriMo story. My goal being 30k by the end of the month seems like it's not going to be achieved. I've handwritten quite a bit but I don't count that unless it's down on the computer screen because writing in notebooks, while helpful during lunch breaks or when sitting in doctor's offices, does not give me something to show to a publisher. My writing needs a hard, shareable copy, so I don't count these words until they're in a word processor.

Obvious barriers to my goal, school including the article due last week, the essay due this week and the 20 page research paper due in April. I've also spent a considerable amount of time preparing for a celebratory cruise we're taking in April (which also cuts almost a week out of research paper writing time), so by being busy I've doomed myself.

It's okay though, there's always next year to finish this novel...

How I Roll

2011-03-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

So I've jumped on the bandwagon. This new craze of creating musical weekend tributes has made me feel compelled to drop my own weekend tribute comic. When the Bee Gees first came out with Saturday Night Fever (about a weekend they had the flu), they had no idea of the craze they would establish so many years later and with the Black Eyed Peas song I've Got a Feelin' (About them going to a bar mitzvah on the weekend - Mazel tov!) this craze doesn't seem to want to die any time soon, so here is my comic contribution to the weekend par-tays!

Really? Really.

2011-03-17T08:47:00.001-07:00

I recently read this piece of advice:

"Never say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, & Albert Einstein."

- Author Unknown.

I think why the author is unknown is because he/she/it didn't want to be accosted by other people who saw the inherent errors in this statement. I'll break this down person by person, to show how my situation (like many others) is not comparable to these folks.

Helen Keller - Did she have a job? Was she out workin' for the man 40 hours a week and then returning home to do everything around her household? No. Then perhaps, while the hours per day hasn't changed, Keller had a whole lot more free time than I have.

Louis Pasteur - Paid to do his job, that's what he spent his time doing, so finding great things like a cure for rabies or what not was going to happen. Will I write the next great American novel while sitting on my duff helping angry people all day then slaving away at home taking care of the house and two angry cats? No.

Michelangelo - Born into money. Apprenticed at 13. Commissioned to do work, people actually asked this guy to do art for them, who does that anymore? No one is going to walk up to me and be like, I'll pay you for a blog post/short story/novel. Apparently, even though given lots of dough, he lived like he was "blue collar" not really working more but sleeping in his clothes and only eating food when absolutely necessary. He didn't show off his wealth but he did have it, unlike many of us today. So even though we share the same number of hours, he had a lot more freedom with his time than people in this century.

Mother Theresa - Also had a lot of free time, and didn't really have bills to pay so she was free to do as she pleased. Luckily she was pleased with helping others, but some of us are in debt and need actual money to get out of debt so we work for a living instead of preforming miracles for a living.

Leonardo Di Vinci - Independently wealthy, or at least had enough benefactors that he could do his thing and no one cared. At the age of 14 he got a big break and was apprenticed to an artist who helped other amazing painters of the time. Then he became a freeloader (no thank you) and eventually was paid considerable sums of money for his work and was given a place to live by Frances I. Even though he completed a lot of work in his lifetime, he wasn't bogged down by the 8 hour plus working days like people of this century.

Thomas Jefferson - Jefferson may be the closest example to how things are nowadays, but I think we're forgetting the multitude of people who helped him achieve what he did. Jefferson was an ideas man, other people implemented those ideas, Jefferson's work can also be attributed to the various politicians he worked with because they all had to work together to achieve anything in government. Sure he came up with a couple of inventions in his time, but he had lots of free time after being president, and rolling in his money from politics only took up so much time in the day. Let us not forget the slaves he owned which did everything he didn't want to do (clean, cook, raise his children, or w/e) instead of those of us that have to waste daylight doing that kind of stuff ourselves.

Albert Einstein - Paid to do his job. Genius. People threw money at him so he could work on his experiments. If people threw money at me to work on my creative pursuits I'd probably get a lot of crap completed as well and maybe I'd be called a genius.

I think another factor that few people consider when trying to compare people of this century to people who lived potentially thousands of years ago is the fact that in our world we must compete with technology. While it can promote production technology also hinders it because it can be so distracting. Even though Helen Keller or anyone else in this bunch had 24 hours in a day, they didn't have the hour or more drive commuting to and from work, the 8 hours or more in an office, and then the time at home spent watching TV (which is voluntary), being online (may be work related?) or any of the other things people spend their time doing because of the technology available to them that these other blowhards didn't have. While the hours might be the same, how we are able to utilize those hours has changed. I don't have people working for me, I don't have people to free load off of, I don't have people tossing money at me so I can follow my creative pursuits.

If Divinci came up to me and was like: "Why can't you do more?" I would slap him and then ask for his money. Seriously, a person can only do so much with what they have and in this century many people have demands that keep them from becoming geniuses in their fields or miracle makers. Give me a break.

Inspirational Messages

2011-03-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

In times when things look bleak, inspirational messages like the timeless: "Hang in there Kitty!" can really help. Perhaps these gems will see you through your darkest hour.

Just to show that everyone has rough days:

This must put things in perspective:

And Gabby's favorite saying:

Bathroom Patrol and Library Confessionals

2011-03-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

Lately patrons have been asking me a lot of questions about the bathroom. Instead of the usual: "Where's the bathroom?" which allows me to point and show them that it is about six paces from where I'm standing, people are walking up to the closed door and becoming befuddled. They ask me things like: "Is someone in there?" - To which I respond: "I don't know why don't you knock?" Really, I'm not here just to watch who goes in and out of the bathroom so that when you walk up I can give you an update on if it's occupied. Contrary to popular belief, I have better things to do.

The bathroom has always been a point of contention for the staff at the library because it is very close to the front desk and we are serenaded by a plethora of sounds on the daily with the occasional wafting scent that may or may not linger for hours. With one such instance today, when someone had some loose stool that I was lucky enough to hear another patron tried the door, found it to be locked and then asked me: "Do you usually keep it locked?" Now if I tried a door and found it to be locked, I'd probably assume someone was in there and wait, if I was really curious I'd knock and if no one replied I might ask staff to unlock it, but I don't ever jump from locked but someone might be in there to let's just open it anyways because I'd love to see a guy taking a crap with his pants around his ankles and the library's copy of the Wall Street Journal in his hands. Now, while I didn't see someone enter the facility, I could hear them and I wasn't sure why this other patron was being saved from that audio evidence. Instead of freaking out at this guy I merely replied, "I think someone is in there."

Bathrooms aside, this is also a week for Library Confessionals. This is when a patron comes up to a staff member and feels the need to share something with them that the staff member did not care to know, nor should this person be saying out loud. Last night a patron came up to me, after a rambunctious story time and said "I'm a patient man, and I have four kids of my own, but I almost just beat a child." Why would I want to know this? Is he now absolved of library sins because he confessed it to me? Really, keep that to yourself sir.

Too Much

2011-03-03T13:52:00.001-08:00

So I really thought I could handle it all. Even after the super-cold, I still though "I can do this!" But I think it's time to finally accept that I'm not superwoman. What?!?! I know, I know. I'm more disappointed than you are, trust me.

So school is overwhelming as always, it really shouldn't be but I'm feeling like someone, on foot, chasing a bus, and each moment that passes, the bus gets further and further away. I just can't keep up, and I have to take a couple of measures to make sure that I don't fall flat on my face.

I've been really excited about achieving and maintaining a 4.0 in my masters program. Why? Because I wasn't so good at school growing up, and I didn't do that great in my undergrad, so to me this is quite the achievement. While people continue to give me the "so what?" look when I mention the 4.0 and people tell me that it's pointless to keep ahold of it (just slack - everyone else does, as long as you pass, that's all that matters), I've decided that it's important to me and that's what matters. So, to be able to keep it, I have to pull back on my course load. I really wanted to push forward and take all the classes I need to graduate this year, so I could have degree in hand by January 2012. I don't like things taking longer than they need to, but I guess if I want to do it right (an not pull out all of my hair in the process) then I have to take it slower than I'm going right now. So this summer I'll probably take 1 class instead of 3, and in the fall I'll take 2 instead of 4 and I'll finish sometime next year.

I just never really thought it would be this hard to balance school, work and family, but I guess it is. It also looks like things might be up in the air for me staring this summer, (my lease is up in July and the library is moving in June) so if I do go through some transitions it'll be less stressful than if I had to worry about completing assignments on top of whatever else is happening in my life.

I think it's been easier for me to accept a delay in my degree because the more I even look at jobs, the less I find anything promising, so I'm kind of running a race that has nothing good at the end of it anyways. So, if I take a lead from the tortoise, perhaps I'll find a slower path leads me to a better reward.

My Goal for March

2011-02-23T12:31:00.001-08:00

So I've been thinking a lot about hurdles (like this year's super cold which still has me coughing up stuff) and how I, myself, am my own biggest hurdle in life.

It's really ridiculous but true.

So I've decided that I absolutely have to finish my current writing project. I've got 30k down on the computer and I need 30k more. The story may or may not have 30k in it, or it might have more (fingers crossed) but either way, this story has to get typed and finished. If I can finish it then maybe someone will publish it, if I can't finish it I'll still be going no where. So I've set the goal of 30k in March (I made a nice banner that can be seen on the right side of the screen).

Books on writing always tell you to look for support at home, so that's what I did. I told my cats that I was going to be dedicating time to writing and that I needed their help to stay on course. They nodded passively and I figured they didn't care. Then I got an email from Gabby. She had drawn me two pictures (so nice of her). The first is just her being a happy, supportive friend:

Then I noticed the second picture attached. I'm not sure if it's also supposed to show support or if there is some sort of secret meaning behind it. I'll let you decide.

What I Do With My Free Time...

2011-02-11T06:12:00.000-08:00

People always assume that since my blog is so happening, that I must have a pretty exciting life. And they are right! Here is what I did last weekend:

My Beautiful Audience

2011-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

So Blogger has a new function that allows you to view your audience stats. Here is a picture of where my readers are gauged by the tones of green (darker means more, lighter means less):

While I was very excited to see that people are actually reading my blog (or perhaps clicking on it on accident and not being able to click out of the site fast enough before google tallied their hit) I was surprised to find that my large pirate following wasn't addressed in the stats. So I added them here:

Perhaps blogger doesn't count the groups of pirates that hang out around the coast stealing Starbucks' internet so they can catch up on my latest post, but I won't make the same mistake (especially because pirates can be vicious when their feelings are hurt).

And just like blogger, perhaps my non-nautical reader doesn't believe this section of my readership exists, but I assure you that pirates have a long standing interest in my blog. Frankly, all the pirates of the rainbow have told me that they enjoy this blog including Bluebeard, Blackbeard, One-eyed Electric Lime, Crazy Captain Cerulean, Hot Hook-Hands Magenta and even Peg-leg Purple Mountain's Majesty. Perhaps you've made the mistake of believing that I've made up several of these pirates, but I suspect that once the cold hook hands of Hot Hook-Hands Magenta finds you in the middle of the night and the last thing you see before being blinded is a hot magenta mask and cape then you'd be willing to believe that these pirates are real. But if you still choose not believe me, consider that well documented pirates from across time and space have also enjoyed my ramblings such as Sir Francis Drake (totally a pirate - don't deny it), Anne Bonny and Calico Jack.

Why do pirates love my blog so much? Because just like a true pirate, I keep it real - and I love manatees.

Making Career Choices...

2011-01-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

Washington Irving

2011-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I was doing some resale shopping over the weekend, and I came across some very old books. I love collecting old books, especially classics. While I was perusing the books they had at the Ann Arbor Re-Use Center, I came across an interesting book titled "A Knickerbocker's History of New York."

Intrigued, I flipped through the pages. I was astounded to find, at the beginning of the book a segment called "Author's Apology."

The author wanted readers to know that his work "was to begin an historical sketch; to be followed by notices of the customs, manners and institutions of the city; written in a serio-comic vein, and treating local errors, follies and abuses with good-humored satire."

Instantly, I felt as though I had found a kindred spirit across space and time. My copy (which I promptly purchased) was well loved and I was a bit confused as to whom Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker was, but I was sure I would find out.

Upon typing into Google, the title of the book, I kept getting hits for a book written by Washington Irving. Frustrated, because clearly Irving and Mr. Knickerbocker are two separate people, I continued my search, when to my surprise, I found that Mr. Irving enjoyed writing under pseudonyms, and that this book was in fact a piece of his own fiction. After a good laugh at my expense, I looked further into the life of Irving and into the history of this book.

A young Irving (portrait taken in 1809)

While I'm admiring the man for this work, most people are familiar with both his stories "Rip Van Winkle" and "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". When considering Knickerbocker's History, Wikipedia tells us an interesting bit of information regarding the release of the text:

"Prior to its publication, Irving started a hoax akin to today's viral marketing campaigns; he placed a series of missing person adverts in New York newspapers seeking information on Diedrich Knickerbocker, a crusty Dutch historian who had allegedly gone missing from his hotel in New York City. As part of the ruse, Irving placed a notice—allegedly from the hotel's proprietor—informing readers that if Mr. Knickerbocker failed to return to the hotel to pay his bill, he would publish a manuscript Knickerbocker had left behind.

Unsuspecting readers followed the story of Knickerbocker and his manuscript with interest, and some New York City officials were concerned enough about the missing historian that they considered offering a reward for his safe return. Riding the wave of public interest he had created with his hoax, Irving—adopting the pseudonym of his Dutch historian—published A History of New York on December 6, 1809, to immediate critical and popular success. 'It took with the public', Irving remarked, 'and gave me celebrity, as an original work was something remarkable and uncommon in America.'"

So not only was he a humorist on paper, but also a trickster in society. While I would never have the gall to do such a thing, I do appreciate his gusto.

Irving is considered the first American Man of Letters, and most historians/literature people consider him the first American writer to earn his living solely by writing. It's also interesting to note that the name Kickerbocker went on to be a term used for Manhattan residents in general, and is also seen as the basketball team the Knicks. He also is credited for creating the character St. Nicholas, at least in how he is represented in stories and artwork today. Lastly, in his writings, Irving used the phrase 'Goat's town' or 'Gotham' for New York City; obviously this then went on to be used as the ill fated city in the Batman stories. Clearly, Irving wasn't thinking his work would have such deep meaning in our society today (200 years later) but it is one hell of a legacy.

Top Ten Nemeses (pt 2)

2011-01-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Just as in all things, I like to be unique, so in life I didn’t pick nemeses who were obvious. Clearly most sane people would consider Hitler or Stalin to be on the top of their list, so since that’s a “gimme” answer, I didn’t pick them. Here are my last five picks for nemeses

6. William Henry Harrison

Why Harrison? I ask myself that every day. Why was he born, why was he evil, why didn’t he die sooner? Really. Most people aren’t familiar with Wil-Hen-Har and that is why his evil is able to flourish. It is only through our ignorance of historical figures that they can continue to spread cruelty like cream cheese on a gently toasted bagel. Educate yourselves! Here, let me do it for you. So after a short lived career as a rap “artist” Wil-Hen-Har went on to co-star in the low budget limited release film X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I’m sure none of you saw it. After his film career died faster than his rap career, Wil-Hen-Har turned to a life of violence and crime, which was very acceptable at the time. He became a military leader who slaughtered more Native Americans than I would be willing to admit and then utilized their dead bodies to construct a vessel that would propel him into politics. Even with his earlier failings in film, his political films Tippecanoe and Tyler, and then the sequel Tippecanoe and Tyler 2, led to him landing the position of the President of the United States of America.

On the day of his inauguration, he decided that he was tired of being known for how short his pursuits had been, and he decided to give the longest inauguration speech in history. During his speech he preformed some of his rap songs, acted out several “key” scenes from Wolverine and talked on end about the needless use of coats, hats and other outdoor gear when faced with winter weather. And yet, the Presidency proved to be his shortest career yet, as he died after 31 days in office. Some people think it was the cold and wet weather that did him in - other people think it was the bullet in the back of his head. I claim ignorance just as I did when the secret service found me standing over his body, pistol in hand.

7. Shakespeare

I like to poke fun at Shakespeare a lot. Probably more than would be advisable by most sane people, but this comes out of a place of genuine admiration with a solid base of hatred. Shakespeare and I have been friends for a long time, we spend a terrible amount of time together which ultimately leads to feuds. Not your everyday run-of-the-mill feud, but where families are slain just for looking at each other feuds. How is it that Shakespeare and I can still be friends while our families are at war? I don’t know. I don’t make the rules people! Stop asking intelligent questions so I can move on with my diatribe against Shakespeare. Okay, so Shakespeare’s worst fault would have to be the fact that he constantly pretends like his characters are real and that he has a real relationship with them. How obnoxious, how does that? Like the other day he was saying to me about how he and Hamlet went out to meet some ladies and I was like Shakespeare! Hamlet is dead! Frankly, he’s not even real! How can you claim to be chillin’ with him on the reg? Gosh!

Even if he wasn’t so weird and oddly attached to fictional/dead/combination thereof characters, he also has a knack for singing off-key, making jokes no one understands, and being a Grumpy Gus just to get his way. All these reasons are why he’s on my death list.

8. J. Geils Band

Two words: Freeze Frame. Worst song ever made. They must be evil. They will be stopped. Due to some considerably ingenious (if I do say so myself) tom-foolery, I was able to make the band disband in 1985, unfortunately, those that are not aware of their evil keep trying to get them back together, the most recent occurrence was in 2010, when they opened for Aerosmith at Fenway Park. It’s said that the concert was sold out, which is true, because I purchased all the tickets, but filled none of the seats, so that the band could see that no one was interested in their “music” and maybe they’d quit once and for all. Unfortunately Aerosmith was also targeted (an innocent victim) in that attack, and I think that might be what created the depression that then forced Steven Tyler to join American Idol. I’m not taking responsibility for that, I’m just pointing out the coincidence.

9. Dolphins

People often ask me, “Jenny, why do you think dolphins are so evil?” Usually, I don’t have an answer, maybe they were made that way, maybe it’s in their genetic code, but ultimately they are evil and it is up to those of us that can see that evil to stop them. Sure, they are cute and they laugh, but they are laughing at you!

Dolphins think they are so funny and that they are so smart, if they’re so smart why can’t they live outside of water? And if they’re so funny, then why am I only laughing when eating a can of non-dolphin safe tuna? My therapist suggests that I feel this way because I was bullied ruthlessly by a gang of dolphins while growing up, and that all dolphins aren’t that bad but I know the truth.

10. Lots of Other Fools

I tried to think of a specific person to be my last nemesis, but no single entity comes to mind that enrages me enough to write about at length. I guess Chaucer is partially right when he says “A nemesis relationship only works when there is an overflowing of passion between two people to thrust that relationship into a true rivalry. Yes, there needs to be passion, sweaty, sweaty passion.” Ignoring the sweaty part, here is a list of people that could have made it in the last slot if I had more passion behind my anger towards them.

To name just a few:

Nicolas Cage
That lady who wrote the Twilight Series
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Spiced Gum Drops
Ann Coulter
John Williams
James Patterson

Top 10 Nemeses (pt 1)

2010-12-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

If I've learned only one thing from coexisting with "normal" humans it's that people love lists.

So I've made a list for my wondrous readers.

These are in no particular order of preference (Sorry Shakespeare, I know you want to know where you stand among your competitors for top place).

1. Andrew Jackson

If I was a bigger fan of d-baggery, then maybe Jackson and I could get along. Unfortunately, for him, I don't care for his sass and his absolute ignorance and disregard for equality among all people. While maybe he thought it was cool to slaughter hundreds, I still have to disagree. When given the chance to set things right in the seat of the presidency (no, I did not vote for him) he then took it upon himself to remove the US banking system and establish the first Depression in the United States. I still believe that each subsequent Depression can be attributed to him. Not sure why Jackson is my nemesis, other than my general distaste for the man? Consider this: it is said that Jackson's body harbored 20 bullets from various duels and it is also said that roughly 19 of those came from my own pistol.

2. Christopher Columbus

A man of limited abilities. Columbus was very proficient in miscalculations, mass murder and giving himself props. Most American children are taught that everyone in Columbus' time was convinced that the world was flat but only Columbus was smart enough to know that it was round and that he could sail to America. This is a lie, perpetuated by Columbus himself. Europeans knew the world was round since the time of Rome and no one was attempting to sail the world because the calculations told them that Asia was too far to get to (not enough supplies could be packed to make it). Columbus did his own calculations, and attempted to convince the King and Queen of Spain that he could make it to Asia, and although they knew his calculations were incorrect, they allowed funding for his trip to be awarded hoping the annoying man would fail in his voyage and sink to the bottom of the ocean. Unfortunately, instead of ridding themselves of him, he found America where he became the father of death to potentially millions of Native Americans. His ignorance and arrogance went to incite mutinies, his arrest and his subsequent banishment. On his deathbed he still held the belief that the land of the Americas was actually Asia.

3. Huey Lewis

I've razzed on Huey Lewis many, many, many, many times before on this blog. For me, there are two types of nemeses, those that I hate and those that I want to dislike but can't help to enjoy. Huey is of the second group. A master of music, Huey has crafted a plethora of tunes that he could easily use to rule the human race. While he tends not to use his music for evil, he could at any time so that's where I come in. By being his nemesis, he is reminded that there are those of us out there that will stop him if he chooses to turn rogue. Don't believe me? Consider his songs. "The Power of Love" was originally titled: "The Power of Huey". "Do You Believe In Love" was originally titled: "Do You Believe in Huey's Ability To Take Over The World. Because You Should." And lastly, "I Want a New Drug" was originally titled "I Want to Take Over the World Through Music and Drugs." Luckily, through the force of those not susceptible to his musical charms and a PR agent who thought that the songs might dissuade the general public from listening to his music Huey was forced to change his titles and his plots for world domination.

4. Grizzly Bears

I've discussed grizzly bears before and this nemesis relationship is very one sided. I generally enjoy all bears (koala, panda, gummy etc.) and grizzlies are no exception. But grizzlies don't like me. If they kept that mistrust and hatred to themselves, we'd be fine, but they often take it upon themselves to challenge me to assert their dominance and again and again I'm forced to fight them off and prove that I'm the better predator. As with any good nemesis relationship, our history is long and complicated. It all began back in the 1800s when bear wrasslin’ was a national sport in the U.S. Having a natural talent for wrasslin’, I made it a point to become the most successful bear wrassler in the world. I triumphed and was honored among humans, but dangerously feared among bears. Before long, my name and deeds became a familiar aspect of bear mythology and bear nightmares. Once bear wrasslin’ fell out of public opinion, most bear wrasslers had to put up their wrasslin’ gear and get real jobs. And while Americans forgot about the old days and the number one bear wrassler, the bears did not. So to this day, bears still attack me in the street, at work, at home and in public restrooms.

5. Geoffrey Chaucer

Chaucer and I have a long history of "nemesesery" as posted about twice previously.

The list of atrocities that Chaucer has committed against me is very lengthy. Not just limited to poking and being a general overall bother, Chaucer has insulted not just me, but the majority of the world on many occasions. He’s offensive, impotent, rude and he smells like oysters - all the time. I don't know if he thinks that oysters are magically imbued and will pass their powers on to him, I don't know where he gets these oysters and I don't know how he pays for these oysters. I do suspect that he told his many avid followers that he loves oysters, and then just like with U.S. Grant, he was belabored with millions of oysters and will subsequently make rash business decisions, become a U.S. president, and die slowly and painfully from throat cancer. Perhaps that'll make me Mark Twain in this scenario...Anyways, Chaucer and I are two fights away from a duel to the death, unfortunately when we duel it's only with those tiny plastic swords you get with fancy drinks like a Shirley Temple and it usually ends with only a few scrapes and lots of arm cramps. But these duels shall continue until I get rid of the evil that is Chaucer or I get tired of trying.

My Haiku

2010-12-17T23:11:00.000-08:00

The last haiku post was so long I decided to keep my haiku for another post. And, since I know you're all very interested in this topic. I have yet another haiku related post waiting in the wings.

So I'm writing these chapter headings for my NaNoWriMo novel. They are a wide range of written materials, and I'm utilizing haiku as one of the forms of writing for these headings. Now these haiku are dependent upon a post apocalyptic world, and the experiences of the characters. While in the last post I talked about having a human perspective in haiku, it needs to be clear that the human perspective in these haiku are based in this alternate reality, so if they seem far reaching, that is why.

Here are some of the best I've come up with, not all will be in the book and they are posted here for you to tear apart like the vicious creatures that you are. Enjoy.

Snow falls in grey flakes;
Solitude celebrated
In flesh and ashes.

I will forever

love our fingers entwined like

branches; death wakes me

With wings of fury
They take our loved ones in flight;
Brace your heart for pain

Wolves watch us tonight
Loneliness travels in packs;
We prey for safety

On the last line of the last one I couldn't decide on pray or prey, but I think prey works. I just wanted to make it clear that it's not an error on my part, but an artistic play on words.

How To Haiku!

2010-12-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

So my NaNoWriMo novel is still rolling around in my mind and in an effort to tie the chapters and themes together, I'm working on snippets of writing as chapter headings. Some of these are in the form or poetry, lullabies, speeches or other various quotes that I've made up from characters we meet and ones we don't. In my exploration of what to write for these chapter headings I've come across a well loved but forgotten (on my part) form of writing called the Haiku.

While it's not all the rage, haiku is admirable and is quickly becoming my favorite form of poetry. In my exploration of the form, I've done some research which might be interesting to writers who read this blog so I'll share it.

People who know haiku know that the form is set in three lines. In Japan, each line has a distinct set of "moras" not to be confused with syllables. Moras are the concept that syllables pattern together according to the number and/or duration of segments in the rime (part that is lengthened or stressed when a person elongates or stresses a word in speech). That all is a bit confusing. In America, writers of the haiku often utilize syllables when determining what to write for each line of a haiku. The standard set of syllables in American haiku by line is 5, 7, 5. While I'm cheating a bit by going by the American haiku standards, I don't know kanji and therefore cannot be true to the Japanese version of the haiku.

Haiku contain several elements (other than the set number of lines, and the set number of moras) that connect all haiku as a form of writing.

Nature:

The first would be a nature theme. Each haiku, should have a mention of nature. Traditionally, this reference was used to allow the reader to know what time of the year the haiku is written in, but I've seen haiku which mention animals or plants which may not be specific to a time of year (or maybe I just don't see the correlation).

Cutting:

This is an aspect of the haiku, utilized to divide the haiku into two distinct parts. In America, it is seen often through the use of punctuation like a comma, colon, dash or an ellipsis.

Subject Matter:
Traditionally, haiku is used to explore the human experience. By utilizing nature, cutting, and our individual experiences as human beings, we can create a haiku that shows us the world in new and interesting ways.

Two of my favorite haiku are:

No sky
no earth - but still
snowflakes fall
~Hashin

I just love the imagery here. It makes me think of darkness in a snowstorm when we can see nothing but snowflakes.

I kill an ant
and realize my three children
have been watching.
~Shuson Kato

This one is so powerful to me because it starts out simple but makes such a great statement. We have to be aware of the impression and examples we set for others, especially future generations.

I'm an Expert!

2010-12-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

I've often had people say to me: "Jenny, just to name a few areas you're an expert on, such as everything historical, everything fantastical, everything mythical, and everything humorous. Is there anything you're not an expert on?"

I always respond with a resounding and definitive: "No."

That being said, they then want me to answer numerous questions about dozens of random topics and finally I got sick of it. I now direct people to my books:

Here are some excerpts from the 112 book series.

On Art
While I can appreciate the bright patchwork of Henri Matisse's paintings, with their strict boundaries; I often prefer the fluid images, with deeper hues in the works by Franz Marc.

On Bamboo
While a tasty treat for both humans and their panda bear counterparts, bamboo is also used in both construction and weaponry as proven in many films starring Jackie Chan.

On Carpentry
Traditionally, Amish carpentry has been regaled for it's brilliance and durability, but few know about the magic behind their artistry. The Amish, usually, do not use electricity. This means everything must be hand crafted, or at least all tools are man powered. But there is no magic in man-powered means, so how do they make these magical? Cow farts. I know it sounds gross, but when you have to finish a product and sun light is getting dim, and your candles are only so bright, how do you illuminate your work area? Cow farts in a jar. It's really just the methane gas ignited, but it sounds better when you say cow farts. And that bit of ignited gas creates a magic that can be felt and smelled in every piece of Amish carpentry.

On Dolphins
Most people see the intelligence and cute chirping as evidence that Dolphins are not only sentient but are kind as well. Those people are highly unaware of the vicious dolphin attacks perpetrated against humans on a daily basis. These under water "friends" maintain a highly active network of crime, debauchery and violence and will stop at nothing to destroy life as we know it. Also shredded bits of Dolphin in your tuna can make tuna tastier.

On Protractors
Many people know that protractors date back to ancient times and are used for building, in navigation and astronomy. Few people know that the Protractor, when sharpened is quite the weapon and was used as the initial blade in the original Guillotine. The rounded design was later ditched for an angled blade that we still see used today.

On ProTractors
Group of farmers that pushed for the invention and use of tractors at the turn of the century. Typically staunch animal rights activists who felt that a horse's or cattle's place was in the kitchen baking instead of in the field working.

Personally, I find it hard to get through any text without ample images to keep my interest intact. Therefore, I've included a plethora of photographs, diagrams and drawings similar to the one pictured below:

On fire

Frankly, it's probably too much to ask of people who want my answers to read these books instead of just using the google, but I know that when the Internet finally dies, my books will remain and be the only source of knowledge for the human race (eat that World Book Encyclopedia!)

So NaNo Ended

2010-12-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

I didn't break the 19k mark of typed words (I did have a bit handwritten that had yet to be typed - but no where near 50k). I guess it was too much to expect to do everything and complete a novel in a month. Such is life.

To help me feel better about it, my sister Cecy sent me this image:

Perhaps next year will be more successful and potentially more nautical.

NaNoWriMo Update

2010-11-16T00:38:00.000-08:00

NaNoWriMo has a new feature, that shows you more in-depth information about your word stats. I think this feature is very cool, but also makes the entire process more daunting. As we're reaching the mid-month point, here are my stats:
The most jarring, and possible most hilarious part of the stats is the part where it tells you when you will finish, if you keep up this rate of writing:

If only life didn't get in the way every November. At this rate, I'll be lucky to meet last year's impossibly low number of 20,000 words (roughly). But I guess it's all about the work and not the finished product, right?

Gabby & Chewie Comic Strip #1

2010-11-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

The highly anticipated comic strip is finally here; a comedic documentation of all things

Gabby and Chewie!

This first strip explains why I don't ask my cats to do anything.

Halloween

2010-10-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

In honor of the holiday, I'll say a few words.

I don't like Halloween. Maybe this makes me one of the minority, but I have my reasons.

1. Free candy. Why do I want to hand out candy to kids who have done nothing for me? Maybe, if each kid raked a few leaves in my yard as they made their way either up to my porch or back down from it, I would consider giving them free candy. I'd be more inclined to see them work first, as many would probably run away with candy in hand if I let them rake after they got their candy. Frankly, I don't think many kids would even stop by my place if I was standing in the yard with a rake over my head screaming: "Work for your candy, you ingrates!" That scene might actually get me kicked out of the neighborhood...

2. I don't like to be scared. I grew up in a household in a very scary household that taught you to be always on the defense, so why in the world would I want to go out in the world and have strangers provoke me?

3. Costumes are always a let down. Either they fail in presentation, or other people don't get it and you feel stupid having chosen an unrecognizable costume. I guess it has to do with audience, wearing a phantom of the opera costume to the library probably wasn't going to get a whole lot of recognition by school children. But, in my defense, they also didn't recognize the costume of Indiana Jones or Ash Ketchum. I think the kids might be slow, obviously there is nothing wrong with my costuming abilities.

4. I'm not a party person. I enjoy quiet nights at home. I don't go out much and I don't do a lot, so why would I be interested in an evening just for partying and "getting crazy"? I like to keep my pride, my friends and my possessions intact, I don't care how funny the story would be years to come when everyone remembers that one Halloween when my house got vandalized, I beat up my best friend in a drunken rage and there were pictures all over the net documenting all of it including my wardrobe malfunction.

5. Traditionally, Halloweens are crappy for me. Like the one Halloween when a girl cut across the parking lot in broad daylight and slammed into my car? Yeah, like that.

In defense of the holiday, I have had at least one good Halloween. One year, my sister was coming out to help hand out candy, and I said to my sister, "I hope we have a lot of Halloweeners" and she heard "Hollow wieners" and she brought a bunch of hot dogs that she had personally hollowed out the centers of. Luckily, they didn't go to waste, as we filled them with highly processed cheese and had a feast.

The best part of that story is that to have a fun Halloween experience, I have to make it up. Good times.

Why NaNoWriMo?

2010-10-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

I recently mentioned to one of my sisters, that I would be participating in NaNoWriMo again this year, and she asked me why. I guess with everything else I'm doing, she didn't think I'd have time. And I probably don't, but this got me thinking. Why NaNoWriMo?

I think one of the biggest pitfalls for writers is not writing. How is this possible? Well, when you're faced with a big project isn't it just easier to do the dishes and watch TV? So NaNoWriMo forces us to write for one month, as much as we can, and kind of makes up for the other 11 months were we did no writing. Right? Not really, but it helps. For any writer who is having trouble just putting pen to paper, NaNoWriMo helps push them to write. So I'm doing it again this year in hopes that I'll finally get some writing done to file away with all of my other unpublishable novels.

To get any potential writers in the mood for the upcoming write fest, here is a convo I had with a fellow writer about NaNoWriMo. As you can see, before the month already starts, I'm defeating myself.

Some background information: I'm currently working on an outline for a story, which may be a post apocalyptic thriller, similar to the Road by Cormac McCarthy which my sister Cecy has easily summarized with the words: "The Road was dark and murky, a durky durky turkey." I never read the book, since she explained that it's just that phrase printed over and over again. How they made a movie out of it, I'll never know...

me: Did you decide what to write about for NANOWRIMO?

Andrew: No, still not sure
How’s your outline going? Still going to write the story about the night people?

me: I'm not sure
I feel like I keep trying to write the same story again and again and I don't want it to be like that

Andrew: yeah

me: I just get ideas in my head and I'm like "That would be great!" but I can't use it in every story

Andrew: work it into one story, one long kickass story

me: then it would be crap, everything I ever thought was cool in one story would be like a cowboy zombedy alien adventure post apocalyptic magical story with shamanic elements and historically inaccurate characters and some people with mutant abilities and the potential for talking animals and mythological beings

Andrew: soooo

Youth fiction?

me: plus ninjas, pirates, time travelers and cyborgs and other things I can't think of right now but I'd have to add later

Juvenile Fic

At best

Andrew: well
hmm
you could easily write a book about zombies and ninjas

me: I could write a book about a lot of things, the problem is, is that when I start outlining something and I think "I should add this" but then I realize that it doesn't really fit I just think it's cool so I want to add it to everything
like every post apocalyptic story I think of I always want to add someone who can make references to our time

because I think that's funny

but I can't do it every time

because then it's boring

and doesn't always make sense

Andrew: then stop adding things!

me: Its hard outlining and creating characters when I keep falling back into what I want every story to have
so I'm struggling with the outline so far

Andrew: do what i did last year

get an idea

jump in

don’t really know what happens

it’s hard because you can sit on a page for a while

other times its easy because the idea is so raw and pure that you can just get cracking on it like no other

me: I worry about just going in circles, or missing gaps because I don't have a set path

Andrew: well
you go over the path then you patch up any major gaps on the edit
it’s not perfect but it’s something

me: yeah

Andrew: and it’s fun to do it free flowing because instead of writing about the coffee shop shes about to walk into, you may notice a shop next to it that lures her in first

me: it's just scary to jump without a safety net

Andrew: but you have a good story idea in the post apoc
That’s your net
you have ideas and plans for it

me: I guess I just want it to be amazing but I can't steal aspects from other stories to make it amazing, it has to be unique

and potentially not amazing

Andrew: well that happens
but it will be good

pretty sure

me: I'm going to write a blog post about Nanowrimo and some of this convo might appear in it
just fyi

Andrew: kk

me: it's so much easier to find material for blog posts than for novels

Andrew: make a blog book

me: been done
I need more durky durky turkey for my novel
it has to be 'The Road 2: Extra Durky, less Turkey"

Andrew: More Murky

me: and a whole lotta road

Andrew: nice

I wouldn’t worry too much about it jen, it’s like 3 pages a day average to hit the 50k mark
if you don’t like what you got, redo it

me: i guess I just don't want to fail again nor do I want to come up with unusable junk
I expect too much

it's like the book Great Expectations but poorly written

and starring me

Post 100!

2010-10-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

So a few posts ago was post 100! Who knew I would finally make it to post 100! Unfortunately I was caught completely unawares and it was a pretty uneventful post. But the mile marker is still there, or the milestone, rather. I guess it doesn’t matter if it was with a bang or a blah as long as it existed right?

Anyways, now we’ve reached over 100 posts with this blog. Makes sense since it has been going on for about 3 years now, and I guess I haven’t run out of ideas yet. Now if I could just get them all typed up and posted...

Thank you to all of my loyal readers who have been there with me since the beginning and to all of the future readers and everyone who will be there with me until the end :)

AHHHHH - Brain Explosion!

2010-10-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I keep starting and stopping posts. Most are duds, some might be promising, but I just can't focus on any to make them good enough. Will this post be good enough? No, but it's the product of finally giving up and just putting something down on the web - that sticky, sticky web full of other abandoned insect corpses, dust and the occasional predatory spider.

Here is a list of post ideas I've worked on and then abandoned. Maybe you'll see them in a future post. If so or if not, you at least can see what craziness I'm dealing with:

Rip Van Winkle – funnier than it seems.

Clichés – Not sure where I was going with this one.

Bad Movies I've enjoyed.

Workin' and Schoolin' – I think the title is probably only as bad as the content, which means it's probably a post flop.

Carrot Shoots and Weeds – about my now expired vegetable garden, which wasn't expired when I first came up with this idea.

Key Chains – Apparently this seemed interesting…for half a second.

Revisiting the Pie Chart of Motivation

The Philosophy of Styx – the band, not the river

Amazon.com and My Personal Preferences – Those commies think they know me so well…

Should people who tell bad jokes be arrested?

Pop Authors – Writing for a buck not for the art

Sugar Makes Me Rageful – Need I say more?

Script Writing – Which I know little about…

Titles – I think I've done this before but I wanted a second stab at this subject.

Raptor Con 2009 – Obviously missed the boat on that one.

These are just the ones I started on the blog, not counting all of the notes I have floating around
my house with ideas. I even have one draft online that is just full of pictures of my cat Gabby, not sure where I was going with that one…

So why am I not writing all of this out for my lovely readers to enjoy? Well, I'm lazy. It's not just that, I'm also busy, but that's not much of an excuse now is it? I have a good, solid fear of redundancy which limits my creative talents, have I said that before? Maybe I should delete it for fear of repeating myself. Hmmm.

I also think, being afraid of failure, I just don't do stuff for fear of doing crap poorly. I know that by looking at my blog you'll be like: "Jenny, so much of your blog is full of ridiculous junk, I think you're lying when you say you only bring your 'A' game to these posts." Maybe you're right, maybe some of my posts are 'B' game or even 'C' game, but I never bring a 'D' game post to this blog and that is a guarantee.

So along with work, school, and trying to bring my 'C' game or higher to this blog, I've been requested to add my "expertise" to another site (videojug.com - has anyone even heard of this?) which is probably good to get the PR but bad for my already limited abilities to keep up with ANYTHING, and now NANOWRIMO is upon us again. How can I do it all without the inevitable Brain Explosion?!?!?!?!?!

Are Mutant Powers Racist?

2010-09-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is the big pink elephant in the room, but I think it needs to be said.

Every day when I'm at work and I go to the bathroom, I get to see a DC Comic poster full of DC comic characters. It's astounding to me that so many of these people with mutant or superhuman powers are white. I'm not sure what kind of statement DC is trying to make, but it seems to me that this goes pretty across the board for comic books. It might be because more white people read comics (is this true?), or it might be due to inbreeding.

Traditionally, mutations occur in nature when a species procreates with a creature very close to it's own bloodline. Consider the cheetah. Due to disease, loss of habitat, competition for prey and over-hunting of prey (leading to starvation), the overall population of cheetahs is very low. This means there is a very small gene pool to choose from when procreating, leading to many issues for the cheetah community such as a reduction in fertility, loss of immune system in subsequent generations and genetic disorders. Now this is where the connection comes in. Genetic disorders, often considered negative, really are just abnormalities in genes or chromosomes. What else is an abnormality in genes? The X gene, or the part of the DNA which makes a normal person an X-man or villain, depending on their goals, dreams and general outlook on life.

I'm not saying that inbreeding is the only way to obtain an X-gene or any other genetic anomaly which may or may not create mutant powers, but with all these white people running around getting powers while minorities don't, it really starts to make you wonder. Perhaps Jean Grey and Scott are 1st cousins and don't even know it. Either way, I think it's quite odd that if you look at a poster of comic book characters you'll see a lot of white people, a few green people, maybe some blue, silver, or pink people and then a couple (if even) people of other races.

Theme Songs

2010-09-15T14:25:00.001-07:00

I'm a big fan of utilizing music while writing. I think that music holds so much inspiritation that it can really help an author's mind develop scenes and charaters. There are many artists and composers that succesfully inspire me and my creative endeavors. One such composer is, unfortunately, John Williams.

I say unfortunately because while he writes decent music, okay better than decent, good music that is very visually stimulating, which makes sense why he's always asked to write for movies, but! he often steals from his own work which really pisses me off. Why should I care about such trivial things? Consider this, I'm watching Indiana Jones and I'm all like "ooh, here's the Nazi theme" and then I'm watching Star Wars and I'm all like: "There's the storm troopers and WHAT?!? it's the Nazi theme from Indiana Jones!" I don't like the soundtrack of a movie to confuse me. So other than the prevasive stealing, Williams is relatively alright as a composer.

I'm not a fan of embedding video in my blog, just like pictures and websites, when these things change I'm not ontop of it enough to go back and fix the broken links and lost videos; but to get my point across I have to share some of his music. One of Williams' best works, in my opinion:

I also listened recently to a Yo-Yo Ma piece that I enjoyed which apparently is written by Williams and preformed by him and Yo-Yo Ma (Williams is the pianist). I couldn't find this easily on the web, but it's on Yo-Yo's CD Appassionato. This piece, after several listens, upped my opinion of Williams although I still rue the day his music suggested that storm troopers (who are really just simple minded clones you know) are Nazis.

Why Time Travel?

2010-09-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Why not time travel is what you should really be asking! ;p

With all of the travel shows that dominate my PBS station and the fact that cable even has some travel channels, why is it that we are limited to the here and now? I guess Doctor Who is supposed to be our time travel show, but that show always has aliens and everyone knows that aliens only started "hanging out" in the 1980s (kind of explains leg warmers, Boy George and Karma Chameleon (You come and go, come and goOoOoOo - obviously an alien reference)).

Anyways, in response to the lack of a true exploration of time, I'm going to continue to share some of my time travel exploits here.

Recently, on a boring Saturday morning, I decided to jump into my space time continuum vessel, and visit my old friend Artie Doyle. Since we're both bored, we decide to work on a new character for him, some fellow named Sherlock Holmes.

Now, Artie is convinced that this Holmes character is based on me because I'm so clever and sleuthy, but he forgets that there is a real Holmes that we both hang out with. I already expounded on Holmes in an earlier post. But this post isn't about Holmes as much as it's about Artie Doyle who forgets Holmes for two reasons. One, Holmes is a pretty boring guy and even after you get to know him and his eccentricities, he only becomes a little less boring. To be so uninteresting, you're sure to be forgotten by Artie. The second reason that Artie forgets Holmes the man, instead of Holmes the character, is because Artie is a bit of an alcoholic, and by "a bit" I mean raging, with a continuous amount of alcohol in his system which registers his blood at 90% alcohol content (How is that possible? I don't know, ask a 19th century scientist). Anyways, with the blase feelings about Holmes the man, and the alcohol essentially living in his veins, Artie is forgetful. So we spend a few hours working on Holmes, the detective, and laugh about good times; like the dozen or so times that the doctor at the scene of a crime was familiar with Artie's blood alcohol content (or just alcohol content since the blood was pretty much non-existent) and thought that he could use Artie's blood on a victim as antiseptic because he didn't believe in blood pathogens - remembering this still makes us laugh until tears come to our eyes. Oh how many people probably died from using his blood to save their lives, good times.

Anyways, we originally wrote Holmes the character as a bumbling fussbucket but Artie got sentimental and made him into the best sleuth ever and when I accused him of trying to live precariously through Holmes he got mad and insisted that that is what every writer does.

"Create something wonderful to make up for your failings, build a character that you can live through so you don't have to live your own pathetic life," he said, or something along those lines.

I could see that his tiny speech had exhausted him along with our hours of work so as he fell asleep by the fire I tucked the Holmes manuscripts away for him to find on a more sober day and I returned home to my own bed and my own dreams.

Guest Post: Author Joe Swope On Recording Your Own Audio Book

2010-09-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Having recently published his first fantasy novel Need for Magic, Author Joe Swope produced and recorded his own audio book. Here, he shares how he did it and how other authors can too. Please also check out the audio samples on his website: www.knowyourneed.com/audiosamples.html

______________________________________________

Recording Your Own Audio Book

While I am not ready to agree that print is a dead media, I can’t help but notice that most of the people I see not only have a cell phone or iPod on them at all times, they are actively using it most of the time. So how does a writer compete? Simple - turn the book into an audio book.

I did it and you can too. Let me first say, it is not easy. In fact, it can be very time consuming. Still, there is something almost magical about hearing your words come to life with emotion, accents and energy.

There are several things you will need. The first is a voice. While it is perfectly okay to use your own voice, (who knows your story better?) there are advantages to using someone else's. A friend or fellow writer is an obvious choice. An overlooked source of voice talent is young actors. Most community colleges and universities have drama departments. There are tons of students who would jump at the chance to practice their skills and generate the necessary drama that might make your story something special. Of course, there is the issue of compensation. Young actors who do not have a lot of work opportunities might work cheap, including simply the promise of exposure as you promote your work. A percentage of revenue might also be appropriate. Whatever you do, if it involves someone else, get everything in writing.

The next thing you will need is equipment. A surprisingly little amount of equipment is needed. Any computer (desktop, laptop or net-book) will do. Even better than that, there is plenty of audio editing software that is free and easily downloadable. I used Audacity. It was easy to use, flexible and powerful. It allows for detailed editing, deleting, cutting pasting and other functions. The next piece of equipment you will need is a quality microphone. I used a high quality USB enabled microphone by Logictech. Don’t be afraid to spend a little money here. A good microphone will allow your story to sound rich. A bad one will not. After you have a computer, (if you don’t how are you reading this?), the software and a microphone it is time to record.

OK, now that it is time to record, you must find the space to record. This is perhaps the most difficult aspect. Despite the necessity of finding a recording space with good acoustics, remember that you are not recording music and that the bar can be lowered considerably from that standard. The first thing you need to recognize is that almost any room in any modern building has air vents that push air in and pull air out. That quality microphone you just bought will pick up that sound. Once you know the worst culprit of background noise it is easy to eliminate it. Either find a room without vents or turn off the system. The next acoustic threat is echoes. Most tables are hard and you will probably set your microphone on a table as you sit to read your writing into the microphone. Cover the table with a thick towel or blanket. Make sure the floor is covered with a rug or carpet. Hard walls will, of course, echo. Cinder block will echo more than more absorbent drywall. Cover at least half of the walls with sound absorbing material. A thick blanket will work. Check stores that sell bedding supplies. Egg crate foam that goes under mattresses can easily be attached to and removed from most walls. If the table, floor and most of the walls are covered, you are probably ready. The ceiling shouldn’t need to be covered. Of course you might need to experiment. A word of caution here: most audio editing software packages can do a lot of things, but if the background noise is too much, even the best software cannot take out the noise without ruining the recording.

One of the unanticipated but powerful benefits of creating an audio version of your writing is that by reading it or hearing it read by others, you are going over it with the finest tooth comb possible. Typos, grammar issues and other imperfections cannot hide when all of your words are said allowed and examined.

Perhaps the most important tip for writers who are considering this is to listen to audio books. Often writer create stories in genres with which they are familiar. That makes sense and allows for a better story. Take some time, rent or buy a few audio books. Listen to them and enjoy them. More importantly, study them; focus on the voice, the cadence, the sound quality. What about a good audio book makes you forget you’re listening? Find that quality and put it into your own version.

It might take a while to get the hang of deleting coughs, giggles, and other unwanted noises. Have a bit of patience and you will soon be able to enjoy and share your writing in a new and enjoyable way.

Joe Swope
Author of Need for Magic
www.knowyourneed.com

Let's Talk About Flash Fiction

2010-08-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

In the past, I dabbled in flash fiction. This can be any genre of fiction, but within a very tight word count limit. Usually 1,000 words or 500 words. There are even people that will publish flash fiction and there are awards you can win (usually monetary) for having "amazing" flash fiction pieces. I guess in a world where we want our information to be short and sweet, stories are trying to fit that mold to stay alive.

It can be considered tough to fit a story into so few words, but I'm a very "Are we there yet?" kind of person, and I find it hard to write 1,000 page tomes, so 1,000 words is right up my alley. I wrote a couple of pieces that I'm willing to call my own and I'll share one with you here.

This is a 1,000 word piece based on the idiocracy of vampires. Just becoming a creature of the night doesn't remove the human attribute of stupidity. You can decide if this very short story still holds the same weight as one that is fluffed up with excess words and sentiments.

Even Vampires Can Be Morons.

By Jennifer Innes

It was late June when Thaddius arrived. He seemed like a normal wanderer, looking for something in our town that few of us were sure we could give. A lost soul, perhaps; a man who needed a sense of purpose, a life of his own.

I guess the signs were all there; aversion to sunlight, wandering into town at night, only out during the early morning and after dusk; even a dislike for Sally Mae’s award winning garlic pie and more so, the refusal to go to church. We had assumed he just wasn’t Christian, and a good Christian doesn’t turn people away due to a difference of opinion, so we all let Thaddius into our lives and one by one we began to change.

The citizens of Sweet Lake had no desire to turn away a man in need and each tried to do what they could to help Thaddius find what he was looking for. Unfortunately, for these people, what he was looking for was human souls – for Thaddius was a vampire.

It was strange to see mothers attacking their children and grandfathers attacking small boys. My understanding of vampire activity was that feeding on other humans was either an act of anger or an act of lust. Now that can’t be true because mothers don’t hate their children and old men don’t lust after boys, right?

It seemed that our town was done in for, that no entity could save us, not even Jesus himself would come down from the heavens and put an end to this nonsense Thaddius had created. But then Johnny preacher came into town.

Johnny was a young lad who periodically visited the area towns spreading the word of God. He seemed to be looking for a place to settle down, but since we already had our own preacher and our own church, we didn’t need Johnny’s preaching, but being good Christians we didn’t turn him away. Now, some might say, being good Vampires we didn’t send him away, but most of the vampires were sleeping when he came into town.

He came straightway to my house, knowing I’m the oldest and wisest in the town. He wanted to know why the town wasn’t bustling, why the shops and school were empty. I explained our current predicament and then he wanted to know why I was saved from satan’s sinners. I had just figured, being the oldest and wisest, people kept away out of respect or fear – thinking that I knew a way to stop them. But in these situations, knowledge doesn’t work as well as faith. I’d been praying, but I had no solution until Johnny came to town and once Johnny heard all about this Thaddius ruckus, he decided that God had sent him to our small town with the mission to end this infernal creature’s damnation of our people.

Now, I know you’re wondering why an old man like myself would care about all this nonsense. Well, when they brought in the television, I tried not to mind, and when they brought in the internet, I kept my mouth shut. These devices changed lives, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but people remained relatively normal as times changed. But this Thaddius had no sense of good about him. Because of him, hate, lust and just plain laziness consumed our town. I mean, spending your day in front of the T.V. wasn’t the best way to use your life, but at least you weren’t out harassing people, attacking people and refusing to go to work because your shift happens to be scheduled during daylight hours. This town needed its order restored, and I really hoped Johnny would do the trick.

With bible in hand, Johnny waited outside the local bar. Once the sun drifted beneath the horizon, with its last blades of light shining dimly, people started strolling out of their homes as if they owned the place. Technically, Billy, a newly christened vampire, actually owned the bar, but everyone else was just pretending, as if the world was now their oyster, almost as if vampirism gave them a new sense of purpose, a life more meaningful than living as a good Christian. Anyways, Johnny started preaching at the top of his lungs, yelling at the miscreants to turn back to God, to turn away from their evil misdirections. From within the crowd, Thaddius marched up to Johnny, looked him square in the eye and asked: “Wha’dya think yer doin’?”

Johnny looked straight into this mask of satan and felt more fear strike him than he had ever felt before. He quickly turned tail and ran towards MacMill’s forest. Thaddius decided to chase down this meal and a big chase ensued, with other citizens following to see if they could procure their own bite of this novice preacher.

Now, many people often forget that MacMill’s Forest holds the finest pines in the entire State. People come from all around to saw off limbs to use for medicinal purposes. This wouldn’t matter much to normal town folk, but vampires running blindly through the forest in the dark as just asking to get skewed. All of the commotion came to a close, as Thaddius, ran himself right into one of these sawed off limbs on one of the sturdy pines.

Sweet Lake is now getting back into the old swing of things, as all of its citizens were returned to normal once their king was destroyed. A few people are missing, though, one being our old preacher. Gossip says he either got himself spiked by a pine limb or left town because of what he had done to some of his younger parish, but we’ve all sinned while the devil was in us and that’s the first bit of our new preacher’s sermon today. Forgive lest ye be denied forgiveness, says Johnny, pastor of the church in the small town of No Vampires Allowed Sweet Lake.

OMG

2010-08-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

How time flies. It's already August 12th and my classes start up again August 16th (apparently New Mexico doesn't celebrate Labor Day) so I'm going to be swamped again with school work and work work, so the blog will probably suffer a little.

Nothing funny has been of note lately. The funniest thing that happened this week was when my cats got really sad because I told them that since we were having company, they'd have to wear their pants. It's one thing when it's just me hanging around, but we have to pretend to be polite when others are visiting.

Speaking of cats, I'm working on a series of comics about my cats, to be revealed once I finish them and scan them on someone's computer.

Speaking of computers, my netbook's cord is no longer registering as being plugged in, or the netbook isn't registering, therefore I'm completely off computers at home until I can buy some new cords.

Speaking of c(h)ords, the musical is coming a long slowly. Thank you for asking :)

Personal Update

2010-07-30T11:24:00.001-07:00

I know I don't talk about myself a lot on here, I figure it's boring. But I needed a post, so I'll bore my dear reader(s?) with some crap that's happening in my life. Very stream of consciousness, if you will...

Need to get 3 more hours of work done today, not sure if that'll happen. I'm looking at pictures on facebook and getting sad. Softball is over and probably won't happen again. I guess I thought that when I stopped playing ball in high school, but then I got the chance to play again in like 2002, and then to play again this year, so maybe in a few years I'll play again, if anyone needs a sucky batter ;p. I find Facebook to be more depressing than anything else. Yeah, it's fun to play farmville, and interesting to see where people are at in their lives but it's terribly sad being "friends" with people on fb but not actually talking to any of them in real life. It's awkward even attempting to contact people on fb. It's like "Thanks for adding me as a friend, now let us never talk again" not like we were talking prior to the add but we definitely aren't talking after so is it like you've added me and I've added you just so we can feel better about the fact that we have so many fb friends even if we don't have friends in real life? There are two types of people on fb, that I run into, those that will ask to be your friend, and those who won't (but will accept your request). For me, I rarely ask anyone to be my friend on fb, assuming they'll say no, and so a lot of people I'm friends with are friends with a lot of people I could be friends with if I asked, but I don't ask, so then I assume people don't like me because they are friends with other people but not friends with me on FB. BUT, the aspect of "friends" on fb is just a joke anyways, so why do I even care? Most of the people on here, I haven't seen/spoken to in 10 years (roughly) so it's also sad for them to see and for me to see how unsuccessful we've all been in achieving the things we wanted to achieve by this point. FB is just one big depression train. I also have a cold in my throat, which doesn't help my current mood/outlook. I've got some antibiotics which took a less than 10 minute visit to the Dr, but 45 minutes at the pharmacist. Then I realized that I'm going to have to chug yogurt by the gallon for the next week, which isn't as fun as it sounds. Trust me. He also gave me some cough syrup with codeine. Pain medicine tends to make me vomit everywhere, so I asked if it would make me sick. He said no, especially since I'll be sleeping after I take it (I should be taking it before I got to bed at night), but hasn't he ever heard of someone getting sick while sleeping and waking up to puke everywhere? What about those people who puke everywhere while sleeping and then die because they suffocate on their own vomit? I know that they were binge drinking, but still, it could happen to me, right? I paid the 2 dollars for the cough syrup, so I guess I should use it, in theory. Maybe it'll be help and I'll love it, or maybe I'll have the worst night of sleep imaginable, with waking up several times to clean up my codeine explosions. We'll see.

Play That Piany For Me

2010-07-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

Due to some unforeseen changes, I am housing a piano. Why do I care to mention it? Well, I'm quite the jingle maker. I wouldn't compare myself to the Gershwins, because the one time I did, George suffered from a stroke and I was blamed for his death, similar to the time that I told Gene Kelly that I was a better singer, dancer, choreographer and all-around-man than he was. I waited a bit too long to tell him it was a joke (you know I love you Gene) but hurt his ego so bad that it ruined our friendship and led to many years of drug abuse, drinking, womanizing and depression (all on my part).

Long story short, this piano will afford me more time to make jingles and to continue to write my musical:

It's a mixture between Joseph and the Amazing technicolor Dream Coat (Oh so many colors, and biblical tales), Gypsy (striptease anyone?), Fiddler on the Roof (religious oppression) and some various other musicals about people trying to succeed in life through song and dance. Look for it soon!

Two Indelible Truths

2010-07-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

Dear person who potentially punched out a car window at the library,

We found the remains of the window early Monday morning but saw that the assaulted vehicle had found its way out of our lot. This is both good and bad. Good, because I didn't want to have to tow an abandoned vehicle, and bad because I had to sweep up the glass.

Perhaps the glass wasn't from a car you punched in our lot, but one you punched off-site and you then brought over the glass to our lot to dissuade people from parking at the library. If so, then the joke's on you because nothing deters our patrons from parking here. Even as the patrons claimed that the glass was blocking two spots, they still were parking in those spots.

I tried once, to do as you have done, not with punching cars, but with digging pits and lighting tires on fire. It was a Saturday afternoon, we were bored to tears and we wanted to go home. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but even a fiery pit did not allow us to close (Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor tornadoes, nor hurricanes, nor earthquakes, nor loss of electricity, nor unusable facilities, nor zombie attacks, nor apocalypse, nor raptor attacks, nor robot attacks, nor alien invasion, nor state issued weather advisories with "do not drive on the roads unless you absolutely have to" stipulations, nor fiery pits stays these library workers from the swift completion of their appointed service).

Since the fiery pit neither let us close, nor stopped people from parking in our lot, then your tiny-in-comparison glass fiasco obviously wouldn't do the trick. Perhaps you should have asked my advice first, before coming up with and executing this scheme.

While it's been quoted that there is nothing guaranteed in life but death and taxes, the truth is, there's nothing guaranteed in life except that people will always park at the library, and that the library never makes unscheduled closings.

Sincerely,

Local library worker

Wearing Sunglasses At Night

2010-07-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

I need to stop taking backroads after dark. It wouldn't be so bad if nocturnal animals weren't on the loose, but I continuously have close calls with all sorts of night-time creatures.

The other day I was driving about 50mph on a backroad, it was dark (sky was a bit overcast and the sun was down) and as I came over a hill Inoticed something huge in the middle of the road. Sitting on the median was a large racoon. Or a baby in a racoon suit. Or this guy:

I noticed this creature as I was upon him, and missed him by inches. It's one thing if an animal runs across the road, but he was just sitting up and staring at the oncoming cars. I think he must have been swiped by another vehicle and was in a bit of shock, and was handing out that shock to everyone who passed him and yelled "OMG!" like I did.'

Now, I'm just left with the mystery. Was it a very large racoon in the road or something else. Let's see.

Hmmm...I still can't decide, maybe I should have stopped for a DNA sample instead of zooming past.

Delicious Dreams and Cake Realities

2010-07-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

I always think cake decorating is easy, until it's hour 6, the kitchen is 80 degrees, the fondant is gooey, the frosting is melting and the 4-tier cake is leaning worse than that stupid tower in Pisa. At the end of all that crap, it looked like a kindergartner came over to decorate it.

The quest for this beautiful design turned monstrosity started last year. Before we signed up for who we would make birthday cakes for at work, I heard about the first year one of my co-workers worked at our branch. Apparently no one had signed up for her birthday treat and when someone finally did, instead of writing their name on the sign up form they wrote her name and for a moment she was under the impression that she would have to provide her own birthday treat. Hearing about this, and knowing what it's like to have people forget or not appreciate your birthday, I felt compelled to do something amazing this year for her treat.

The first concept was something simple, yet delicious but it soon blossomed into a 4 tiered cake (fun-fetti and strawberry) with Rainbow and Monkey as themes. I utilized basic frosting (vanilla), Runts (the fruit hard candies) and homemade marshmallow fondant.

Fondant quickly became Fondon't in my book. This was almost a complete disaster. I made a way too large batch which would not take to the color I wanted (brown for monkeys) and ultimately only made 1 pasty fat man with a tail who sweats when he gets too warm (the fondant gets gooey when the temperature is too high). After hours trying to make the fondant monkey I finally decided to still use it. I wanted to have a joyful monkey sliding down a rainbow but it kind of fell short.

I made a pretty successful rainbow with light and a prism but the conceptual design fell short of impressing the cake eaters, so my second design was made with colored sugar.

There's not a whole lot more I can say, so I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

So here's a good side shot of the cake. You can see the rainbow, which was pretty decent and the runts which sunk down the side of the frosting as it melted.

Here's the top of the cake, what's that? A fat and sweaty man with a tail?

I think it must be a fat and sweaty man with a tail sliding down that rainbow.

Yep, he's pretty fat and sweaty. Better luck next time.

Oh, but the inside is a rainbow as well, how delicious!

Still Workin' for a Livin'

2010-07-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

So apparently, Huey Lewis doesn't have enough money to roll around in anymore and is back on the streets making a few dollars. Good thing music isn't the same thing as food, if someone tried to sell me a bologna sandwich from 1982 I wouldn't buy it, but if you try to sell me a ticket to a concert where I'm guaranteed to hear some 80s hits, I'd probably buy it, as long as it was cheap, and they were good 80s hits.

Back in the 80s, Huey went on his "Workin' for a Livin'" tour, because back then he was working for a living instead of living off record and merchandise sales and tell all books.

Now he's back with the "Still Workin' for a Livin'" tour. Unfortunately, he's not working too hard, since he cancelled his highly anticipated Australian visit (first time in more than 20 years). Guess he had better things to do like preparing his "Still Not Working Hard Enough For a Living to Go to Australia Tour: 2011".

Being Sick

2010-06-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

No body likes a cry baby. Even crying babies don't like themselves (why do you think they cry so much - stop with the self hate baby!). But I have to complain, it's in my nature. I don't complain too often, unless I know you well, then you get to hear about it all the time.

I like to spare my readers from my usual whinyness, but today is an exception to the rule. I feel horrible. Stuck at work until 7:15pm only to come back tomorrow for another 6 hrs :( I've got some sort of throat cold, which seems to be moving into my chest. I hate sore throats, it's like don't they understand that most people can't just quit living for a week while they get better? If only I had a robotic machine that spoke for me, then maybe I'd feel a little better. The only thing worse than the pain of a sore throat is the taste, it's like something is dying in my mouth over and over again. I can only imagine what other people must think if they happen to smell my breath (Did you eat 2 week old dead skunk again? I know it looks tasty on the side of the road, but really...).

So with the throat and chest pain, the nausea, the fever and the general achiness and discomfort I'm just a barrel of rainbows and cheeky monkies. The last thing I want to do right now is help people with stupid questions (Is the express check the only way to check out anymore? Yes lady, my coworker and I, both stationed at computers under signs that say "check-out" are actually only the bodyguards of the express check out and we're here not to help but only to ensure that you don't blow up the express checkout) and pretend to be nice to people I don't like >:0

Funny Things

2010-06-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I've felt completely stalled in posting on here especially since a lot of drama has hit the fan and I'm not excited about posting that crap, so I've been waiting for funny things to happen or to come to me so that I can expound on them here. Unfortunately it's been a very unfunny month, so I've only got a few tidbits to drop.

I decided to keep the laughs going (because what's better to get you through tough times than laughing?) and to post some jokes that came out of convos I've recently had. Hopefully you'll find them funny as well.

While working on a google spreadsheet with my sisters, we added a very complex combination of photos with unexpected results. Apparently rainbow + unicorn + kitten + smiling goat + happy cupcakes + taco = atomic bomb. I know what you're thinking, well then why did it take so long for Einstein to create this formula? Well, it's because Einstein didn't believe in unicorns and refused to include them in the formula for many years.

My sister and I were discussing the Styx song Snowblind, which obviously is about cocaine usage. Now, the actual phenomenon of becoming snowblind occurs when you get cocaine powder in your eye. Since cocaine is so expensive, you must lick your own tears or have someone else lick your face to not waste all of that coke. Just fyi. So either never become snowblind (unless you like people licking your face) or stop using the drugs foo!

Michigan History

2010-06-12T15:44:00.001-07:00

Often when I'm sharing bits of history, like sprinkles on a delicious cake, people ask my why I don't share more bits of Michigan history. Usually I counter their requests with the truth that there is very little that happens in Michigan and even less that occurred in Michigan's long and boring history. But to allay readers, I will share a small tale of failure and lack of triumph.

As many people have chosen to forget, the Revolutionary War did not result in complete evacuation of British defenses and bullies in the U.S. After roughly 31 years of taking it in the rear, so to speak, the Americans got fed up and decided to duke it out with the British yet again. This prompted the easily distinguishable among other wars, War of 1812. What year was it fought in? 1811, j/k 1812. What year did it end? 1815. Sorry, I'll get back on track.

So in August of 1812, some fine young military men were chillin' at fort Detroit. Just hangin' and doin' as we Michiganders do. Then BAM! the British were upon us! Taken by surprise, with soldiers low and family high (who brings family to a war? Really.) General William Hull declined to fight and surrendered the Fort claiming that the Native American war cries made him afraid for his wife and children. Really. It's been suggested that he might have been heavily drinking prior to the engagement, and he's quoted saying that the Native Americans Indians were “numerous beyond example,” and “more greedy of violence… than the Vikings or Huns." Because he totally met the Vikings and the Huns to compare them to and I think if someone was all up in your business and trying to take your land you'd fight for it too, oh wait not you Billy Hull.

The best part of the entire tale is that Billy Hull was Michigan's first territorial governor in 1805, what a legacy for the state. But to commemorate the event known as the "Siege of Detroit" or what I like to call the Epic failure of one Billy Hull, I made this image:

The best part of this tale is that the surrender of Fort Detroit was the first and only time a U.S. fort has been surrendered to a foreign enemy. I salute you General Hull for believing that no amount of failure was too great to accomplish.

Pop Authors

2010-06-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

I know I've talked in the past about some of my most hated "Pop" authors. These are people who write crap fiction just to make money. Similar to pop music, they have a wide fan base and are relatively "successful" in their field because they can ride out waves of popularity. These novels will never become "classics" ( just thinking about a group of literature students reading James Patterson makes me weep) but that doesn't help the self esteem of authors who are attempting to write good and meaningful fiction.

Also, to go back to my old argument about the validity of speculative fiction, I'd like to point out that a lot of speculative fiction, although shunned by "literary buffs" is good and meaningful. Consider Cormac McCarthy's The Road. This is a novel set in the apocalyptic future (sci-fi) but has been met with critical acclaim. There are many authors out there that are making statements with their writing (not just trying to make a buck) but because it's in the genre of speculative fiction it gets overlooked. Consider Octavia E. Butler's Kindred. This is a novel, that if it didn't have the aspect of time travel *gasp* could potentially be considered just as important to Women's literature and African American literature as Beloved and The Color Purple.

Perhaps someday we'll live in a world that can look past genre for merit and look past pop fiction for entertainment.

The Inaccuracies Found In Children's Books

2010-06-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

So some people consider me inaccurate, but have you ever read a children's book?

Consider, if you will, this book:

The first seemingly inaccurate thing that caught my eye is the cat over his shoulder.

I didn't think there would be a cat lounging around, so I did some independent research.

Apparently cats like to be on ships and do all sorts of things like kill rodents, predict weather and determine the final voyage of the ship (I learned this from wikipedia, not the book). Drake's ship experience was no exception, and the story relates a time when the ship's cat fell overboard and he was kind enough to save it (if only he had that much compassion while killing hundreds of Spaniards) and I was like "Okay, I can possibly accept that, although no credible source backs that up. I mean, where are the footnotes and experts in this book?" Then the story of saving the cat took another turn that I just didn't think was accurate.

So Drake jumps in to save the cat but the rough waters make it so that someone has to save Drake, so then up comes this guy:

Really? You're telling me that the water skiing squirrel was around in the 1500s and this is the first I'm hearing about it? From a children's book? And he just happened to be riding by. What vehicle was pulling him? A magical water chariot steered by mermaids and pulled by seahorses? Really.

How to Survive a Bearshark Attack

2010-06-01T16:57:00.001-07:00

Since I'm an expert on mythological creatures (mythological meaning creatures most people want to believe exist only in fairytales and nightmares), I've been asked to explain what to do in case of a bearshark attack.

First, let me explain what a bearshark is. Full bear, full shark, this monstrosity has been described as a land, water and air (when the bear throws the shark) predatory. Usually seen as unstoppable, I'm here to break the myth.

How did the bearshark come to be? There are disputes on the origins of the bearshark, but to me it's obvious. The enemy of my enemy is my friend is a commonplace saying in both the bear and shark community so it was only a matter of time before these two creatures joined forces against their common enemy: humans. Originally this allegiance was formed to protect their families and their homeland, but both of these creatures are coldblooded killers so while their agenda is based in protection they ultimately fall into war paths of death and destruction.

How a bear chooses his shark and vice versa involves a very interesting courtship and bonding ceremony. It begins with a 3 month trial with at least one kill witnessed by each so that they can gauge whether or not their killing styles match or are cohesive. They also take several family trips to see if their families get along since the bear and shark in question will be spending a lot of time together once they become a bearshark team. If after 3 months they are satisfied, then they say their vows, to protect their families and homes and to take out as many SOBs as they can before they die.

There is no known way to kill both the bear and shark in a bearshark predator, but these two events can help you to flee with your life and limbs still intact. To survive an attack from this monster is very similar to how you would survive a robot attack.

Volcano

Bears sweat a lot and they don't like it. Since a volcano is the sweatiest place on earth, if you can run to a volcano when being attacked you are sure to get away from the bearshark. When the bearshark follows, the bear will sweat too much to want to fight. Also, the heat will dry up the shark and subsequently kill it. "Isn't this killing the bearshark?" You ask. No. because after the bear is finished eating his toasty old partner he will go out and find a new one.

Slip and Slide

A slip and slide is one of the easiest ways to escape a bearshark attack - if you can find one. If you can trick a bearshark to go onto a slip and slide it will slip and slide down the track and be too confused to chase you. If there are children using the slip and slide then it's even better because if the bearshark does come to its senses quickly it will attack the children as you flee.

Box of Kittens

Tossing a box of kittens IS NOT a viable option to escape a bearshark. This will only enrage the monster because bears love kittens and would hate to see them harmed. If you toss a box of kittens at a bearshark you are pretty much ensuring your death at the claws, fins and teeth of the bearshark. The bearshark will hunt you down. I have seen this mistake happen too many times, take my word for it. I know you'll be walking past a pet store and a bearshark will come around the corner and you'll think: "Look at that box of kittens over there.If I just toss this box of kittens it'll distract it enough so I can get away." This is a huge error in judgement. I cannot stress this enough. I knew a guy who tossed kittens at a bearshark and while we were hanging out together later someone knocked on the door and it was the BEARSHARK back for revenge! He died. It was horrible. I still have nightmares about it. So believe me when I say do not toss kittens at a bearshark.

LoEHH Addition

2010-05-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting in my writing room at home going through some old files while my pictures of William Tecumseh Sherman stared back at me. I wondered what he was trying to tell me from across time and space and then I remembered. I completely forgot him in my League of Extraordinary Historic Heroes. He was in my original design, but working on a post over a week doesn't always mean I remember everything I wrote on paper and it wasn't until I saw his sad puppy eyes that I remembered that I forgot him. So here is my addition to my team of crime fighting time traveling historic heroes:

Team Strategist and Animal Trainer: William Tecumseh Sherman

You never know when you'll need an animal on a mission nor when you'll need to devastate half of a country to end a war, that's why Sherman's on this team. An expert in warfare and the breeding of Tigons and Ligers, Sherman brings a quiet confidence that helps every mission find success. Not a large fan of warfare, Sherman uses his wits to end fighting and needless deaths. Known enemies: The Southern United States and Southern Sympathizers.

Home Vs. Work

2010-05-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I work too hard at work and not hard enough at home.

1st Example: At work I've been told by a patron that I scan stuff so quickly that she wouldn't want to see me with a gun. Compliment? You bet. Especially since I try to present myself as terrifying with a gun.

2nd Example: I sorted boxes so quickly today that I was told by our delivery guy that he might have to call me laser beam. Compliment? Perhaps. I don't have many nicknames. Frankly, I have pretty much zero nicknames, and laser beam wouldn't be a horrible nickname, but it was nice of him to point out that I'm fast at my job.

I know fast doesn't always mean well done, but everyone here makes mistakes and I don't tend to make extra mistakes if I go fast or slow (I've spent enough years here to know). And I usually only have one speed at work when there is a lot of stuff piled up. So I work too hard at work, and I don't do anything at home.

1st Example: No one has given me a nickname at home. I think Chewie called me Hitler the other day because I wouldn't let her climb the new curtains but I could be mistaken. And I wouldn't consider Hitler a nickname.

2nd Example: I've never been able to say: "There is not one single dirty dish in this house". It seems no matter how much cleaning I do, there is always more to do. This conundrum leads to less completion of chores and more morose contemplation and brooding. I'm not saying my house is a complete mess, it just that nothing ever gets completely done there. I think I live in some awkward vortex which insures that anything I try to complete at home will never be finished. If I take things to work, I'm more likely to complete them, but I usually have to work when I'm at work. So my house continues to be a location of much disappointment and floundering.

League of Extraordinary Historic Heroes

2010-05-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about this the other day and thought I would share it with you all. Upon much consideration (about 25 minutes worth), I've assembled a league of extraordinary historic heroes. If given the opportunity, I would assemble these people and we'd travel through time righting wrongs and fighting evil.

Team Leader: Henry Clay

After being denied the Presidency three times, Clay is devoted to proving his ability to lead. A great compromiser, he easily diffuses conflicts within the group without lower morale. Quick to use his words before his weapons, Clay stays cool in almost all tough situations. Known enemies: Aaron Burr, James K. Polk and John C. Calhoun.

While in the field, we have a separate leader, kind of like the assistant but she gets her hands dirty (like Cyclops in X-men):

Field Leader: Boudicea

Boudicea is known for her ability to take on large foes without question. Standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves, and having a penchant for fire. Strong loyalty to friends and family. Known enemies: The Roman Legion.

3rd in Charge: Tecumseh

Known for his samurai skills and his ability to organize people in battle, Tecumseh works well as back up to Boudicea's in your face leadership. He always knows when to utilize his team's strengths, but is quick to push people beyond their limits. Has been known to take risks. Known enemies: William Henry Harrison.

Weapons Expert: Annie Oakley

Prefers the .22 caliber rifle but is well versed in all types of projectile weaponry. A dependable ally who always gets her shot. Keeps a level head and is not put off by competition. Known enemies: William Randolph Hearst, Lilian Smith, William McKinley and Pernicious Anemia.

The Big Brain: Leonardo da Vinci

An artist, inventor, genius and player, da Vinci helps the group by bringing in new technology to help them in their missions. He often stays behind to make sure the team is directed across space and time correctly (his invention of course) and because he tends to create more mischief than assistance when he interacts with civilians. Due to his charm and likability, he is occasionally brought on mission to be a peacekeeper. Known enemies: none to date - everyone loves this guy, some people, a little too much.

Obviously there are many heroes throughout history, and some of these people would be called on as consultants or mercenaries for specific missions, but this is my core crew. If you had the ability to establish a League of Extraordinary Historic Heroes as I do, who would be on your team?

Q and A is always better than T and A

2010-05-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

I get lots of questions from readers and on occassion I like to share the answers to those questions. Here are a few of the more recent ones:

I'm an avid reader of your blog and I wondered how do you know what's funny?

Well, it's not always easy to know what's funny. As a general rule I like to run my jokes by other people and gague their reactions. If they laugh, I use the joke. Sometimes though, I've only got myself to run jokes by, so I go with my gut. If I laugh a lot, I use it. If people don't think it's funny, then that's that. The nice thing about blogging is that you don't hear the responses from people (unless they comment - and very few of my reader's comment). So if people don't like it, I don't have to hear about it, and I can just move on to the next joke.

Since I consider you an expert in all things mythological and all things writing, what is your take on the current vampire/werewolf/other craze?

Thank you for this question. I'm not a big fan of all things werewolf/vampire/other right now (zombie included). I think that writers and media are exploiting these icons just to cash in on this craze. I think it's making these characters redundant and will use them up so quickly that one one will be interested in them for years to come. Kind of like when you really like hotdogs and you eat them all the time until you get to this point where you never want to eat another hotdog again. It also astounds me that as a rule most people are incredibly wrong in their portrayal of vamps and weres, but that's a discussion for another day. I will say though, that I've had my eye on a book series but was reluctant to get into it because of the vamp/were themes but finally picked it up and it looks promising. Moon Called, is the first book in the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs. I like that the main character is a strong female, and the writing is good, so at this point (page 56) I think it's a good book and possibly a good series.But I must say that I did not get into the Twilight books, I don't watch True Blood or the Vampire Diaries because only some people write well and can work the vamps/weres into a good direction instead of it being over the top and redudant.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

The very first thing I can remember wanting to be was a comedian, I loved to make people laugh. But I quickly realized I couldn't stand up infront of crowds, so I started to pursue writing. While I wrote a lot growing up I didn't think of it as a career and spent time dreaming of being a paleontologist, a lawyer, a senator, possibly the president. Then I went to college and decided to be a writer. It's the easiest way I can make people laugh without getting embarrassed and it's something that has stuck with me for a long time. I like things that don't give up on me, and even though I've given up on writing a couple times over the past 20 years (I figure I wasn't writing until at least the age of 6) it has always been there waiting for me to pick up a pen and go at it again.

Pathos = Laughter

2010-05-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to share this story just for it's comedic value. If pathetic situations do not amuse you, read no further. Or continue to read but don't bother me if you become disinterested and disappointed.

So, out of boredom, I decided to wander yahoo chat rooms to find people to chat with. I was astounded to find that very few of these people exist. Rooms say 200 people, but everyone is either a bot, a creep, a scammer or someone looking exclusively for those other three. But I did not give up in my quest, and after 20 minutes of jumping rooms I finally came across 3 people who were up for actually talking. Things seemed pretty normal at first, just chatting up how Beethoven began his career crafting blues masterpieces after traveling the Southern states with his friend Haydn. Okay, that sounds strange, but for me it's normal, making up historic stuff. And in this instance I wasn't the one who came up with the story, I just followed along because it was funny. Anyways, so before I know it we go from discussing Beethoven to discussing universal healthcare. I thought you weren't supposed to talk politics with strangers? So then there's me, at 1am arguing against 3 people (two of whom resort to namecalling because they have no legitimate knowledge of the facts to debate) and I begin to wonder if this is really a good use of my time and my neighbor's internet. It's also the reason I don't have internet at home, so I don't spend hours wasting my time online. By 2am I was over it, and subsequently went to bed. What a beautiful glimpse into the trials and tribulations in the life of Jenny.

I also realized something the other day. I'm a big fan of making up new phrases for pop culture. I like to say, when people want a specific invitation to an event (like telling them about it isn't enough you have to roll out the red carpet) that they "want a golden ticket". Some people get it, some people don't. I came up with this one after thinking a lot about the death of conversation and how no one tells you that they don't want to talk to you they just stop asking you questions (like in IM or email), so I thought a good way to address the dying conversation and determine if it is dead or if your companion doesn't realize that it's dying and is still interested in conversing would be to say "Has this gum lost its flavor"? Or something to that effect. I think it's witty.

Ultimately I hope everyone can read the stuff in this post and get a good laugh. While it's true, it's also pathetic; and pathos always equals laughter.

Parenting 101 in the Modern Age

2010-05-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

With media all the big craze right now, I still think you shouldn't use movies to educate your children. I'm no expert but this following comic strip kind of explains what I'm thinking.

The Tragedy and Redemption of the "Cookie Monster"

2010-04-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

One thing about working in libraries, is that you come across some very interesting titles that you wouldn't always notice otherwise.

Recently I noticed this cute book:

I was taken in by the adorable cover but then found the inside text to be very different than I imagined. Quickly, I was swept into this (albiet poorly written) autobiography of the creature known as the "Cookie Monster".

The book tells of when his father left.
It tells of when he first picked up a cookie:

How he wept for his loss and found solace in this sweet treat.Eventually cookies gave him the love he had lost when his dad walked out. But this new kinship would only lead to more pain and self destruction.

A quote from the text: "I love cookie so much, but cookie expensive. Sell cookie to children for monies."

The Cookie Monster (as police and neighborhood officals deemed him) found that his lack of sales experience and his poor grasp of the english language led him to many a night in gutters going through cookie withdrawl.One arrest too many finally put the Cookie Monster behind bars:

(Yes, in the book he claims that he spent his time at Alcatraz).Upon release from prison, the Cookie Monster was put in a halfway house on the infamous:

This street was home to many ex-cons and several mental patients that couldn't get appropriate care due to governmental budget cuts. It was determined that the only way to protect society from these vagrants was to place them in this single street ghetto full of crime and despair.

Luckily, through group therapy and positve reinforcement, the Cookie Monster made strides towards becoming cookie free. Through regression therapy he realized that his real name was Charles Musser and that he no longer was a monster.

Charles hopes to one day be released from the Sesame Street facility, to spread his word of redemption and help others like him find a new way.

Just goes to show you that you never know what you'll find when looking through the books at your local library.

Monday Must Do's

2010-04-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

1. Listen to Interpol - I cannot explain the genius behind this band, you must hear it for yourself. Best songs, in my opinion: Evil, Slow Hands, Not Even Jail, C'mere, Length of Love, Pioneer to the Falls, The Heinrich Maneuver.

2. Finish watching Dr. Who season 3 (2007). It's always hard for me to finish things, and Dr. Who is no exception (I don't like when things end) but my Dad is pushing for us to watch the new Dr's episodes so I need to finish the Tennant seasons :(

3. Do some dishes. They pile quickly and while I won't get them all done, I need to do some before they grow into a dish creature and take over my house.

4. Dig out more of my garden space. Although it's still too cold in Michigan to plant, I need to get that space of the yard ready so I can plant everything when the weather is right.

5. Practice softball. I want to improve my slowpitch pitching skills, so I gotta practice.

6. Homework. Must finish 1st half of Beloved by Toni Morrison. Must write English essay. Must complete two short essays for History class.

I'm sure there are more things but I guess this is enough for one night, although I'm sure I'll only do 10% of it and then veg out like usual.

Happy Earth Day!

2010-04-22T08:57:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting here thinking:

"What can I blog about today? Hmmmm...there's nothing interesting going on...nothing funny I can think of...if only I was inspired somehow..."

Then I remember that it's Earth Day.

So as a friendly Earth Day reminder, please do not light any tires on fire, don't microwave Styrofoam, cut up your plastic can holder thingies (so they don't get wrapped around a duck/goose/bird's neck when you inevitably put it in a dumpster), recycle/reuse your plastic bags - it's really disgusting what animals will eat and will ultimately kill them from twisting up their insides, and shred your personal documents because identity theft is rampant in our country.

J/k about the last part, identity theft might be rampant but Earth Day is about the Earth not about you, so stop making it about you and your almost paranoid worries about the identity robbers and whatnot. Do you think Earth is thinking about itself on your birthday? (although Earth Day is not the day the Earth was formed, the most logical comparison to "your day" is your birthday so stop critiquing me while I get this out.)

No, because Earth isn't a B.

Yeah, I said it.